Vacations

03/11/10 - 4:07 PM

Have some extra time before she gets here to sit around and watch these crackers sitting in Starbucks, along with, me, a fellow cracker. This is the beginning of what will be a few weeks of not standing still. I enjoy this lifestyle better than whatever one I was living in MA before I left and whatever one I was living here for the last few months. Spending a couple of (bittersweet?) days up here on the central coast with her, going back to Boston this coming Tuesday for a week, and then driving out there on the 30th of March, so not much sleeping in a bed that collects dust underneath it. I wonder how slow I can get down to when I get back there. This should be a nice couple of days with her. If not I will be even more sad than ever. There’s no reason why it won’t be anything but good…at least that’s my intention.

Watching and listening to these people. Definitely “Californians”


(and then the next thing you know)
03/12/10 - 3:35 AM

Have no idea how the fuck I am going to do this. I can’t sleep and can’t breathe in this room right now. I’m overwhelmed with this whole situation, per usual. Who does this to themselves? Puts themselves through this?

We walked around downtown at the farmers market. It kind of reminded me of how great it would be to walk around the Topsfield Fair with her all buttoned up in some nice coat. Steam getting laughed out of her face in the cold. Red cheeks and all that good stuff. Fuck.



03/13/10 - 3:48 AM

We had a nice day out today out and about in this area on the water, off the water, etc. The way the mountains line the coast make everything ocean side that much nicer. You have this gigantic wall of earth that you neglect, and then the vast blue ocean and the way the sun hit today and her smile and laugh and the music in the car and taking pictures and eating lunch on the water.

I still can’t really handle that tomorrow I’ll leave here and probably never come back to this place, at least for a long time. My head anyway. I can’t be where I was in September, August, July, all of those months when everything was just a little different. Another night here I’ll never get to sleep, drive off into the distance tomorrow and just wait around twiddling my fingers for days. I’m kind of an asshole and deserve to have shitty things happen to me. This situation though, well. I feel like such a fucking idiotic moron, and who knows, I could have no idea what I am talking about, but really, it doesn’t matter anymore

Keep seeing weird shadows fly around the room here while she sleeps over there. I can’t ever get to sleep at the same time. I have to come here and get something out of me before sleep

It’s warm in here, way too warm to sleep
It’s freezing in here, way too cold to sleep
I doubt I could ever really explain how shitty I feel
I don’t have enough fingers to type it out
I don’t have enough hours left to explain it out
I just know exactly how I feel
I know how I’ve felt, which can’t be wrong
Sometimes I apparently make
(fuck, what the hell am I doing?)



+++++++++++++++++
3/13/10 – late afternoon
That was worse than I thought it would be. Eating lunch and then saying goodbye, no real view of anything in the future; Just walking away and waving and her blowing me a kiss and me driving back down here to “try again” at making myself happy. Nobody is ever going to want to sit around and wait for me to be normal. I feel like I have exhausted any chance at “love” at this point in time. I feel like I should pack it in with these at this point. They are hard to walk away from, and this one has truly been the hardest. In a few weeks I will drive across country by myself, further and further away from her wondering what the hell I just did, or feeling like the happiest guy in the world. Whatever the case or feeling I have that morning I leave here the intensity of this whole thing has proven to be too much for me and I really need that week by myself to let it all sink in, but oh God do I already miss her. I should probably drive home now and play some music loud so I can put my head somewhere else for the day.