Explodes in My Head Like Bright Red Fireworks

Comes on every few hours
It has been there for a couple of years now
Making me feel three feet away from my self,
like my shadow is me and I’m just a host waiting to expire.

After a trillion mixed tapes and movies I never wanted to see anyway
After a trillion lies dumped into my head, not even remotely processed
After a trillion drives through the woods and drives to the ocean and drives to my house...their houses
After a trillion haircuts and bad cologne
After a trillion times saying things I most likely never meant
Here I am with horrible lyrics from the 80’s in my head by homosexual men
I end up having to write my own
“oh baby please don’t hurt my soul again”
“oh mama you are so pretty the sky has nothing on your eyes”
“hey sweetheart let your hair down so we can hit the road”
etc

Every few days it happens
I turn into this guy I knew once
Dark blue button down sweater
Head full of ideas of what i thought was best for me
Man I would pay fifteen million dollars for a crystal ball
Go back in time and hand it to myself

After a trillion conversations I should have never had
After a trillion different hairdos and shoes I lied about liking
After a trillion different levels of anger I hit every day
After a trillion different times walking through the snow, the sun, the rain and up hills
After a trillion hours and hours of trying to convince myself I’ve ever made a good decision in my life
I end up with the remnants of the same soul as these gross Los Angeles losers I see
Black sunken in eyes
Still looking for some sort of piece of recognition
Still holding on to that dream, forgetting everyone is selfish
Nobody ever wants to hear you until you start to suffer or feel and look like shit
I see these fucks here every ten minutes out here and then realize how much more I am

Every few months I feel like this
I feel like I need to have some sort of other part of me
I forget how intense everything has been when I see it with my own eyes
They can live vicariously through me, I never learned to share
I certainly don’t feel like it now, fuck them all and the minivans they rode in on

After a trillion phone calls from 1985 through 2009
After a trillion times I can physically feel my head working overtime
After a trillion times wanting to believe everything I see and hear
After a trillion different explanations why I feel like I do from a trillion different non-doctors
After a trillion times I looked into eyes I can’t remember the color of
I arrive here, with the most horrible thoughts a person can have in their head, stuck there
I arrive here with a broken heart, an empty skull and the best TV money can buy
I arrive here with a tan and whatever excuse I can think of for being the biggest pussy in the world