Golden

I feel like I am constantly blue because my feelings are all ghosts now

There’s nothing deep happening at all

A guy who goes to work and has some people around from time to time

At this point I’ll never really get that much closer

I don’t need to really

All of the people I talk to regularly are women

Even just being friends with women you see how emotional they are

They all cry constantly

All they ever fucking do is cry

Listening to what is important to them

I ignore and wonder if that one John Coltrane album is in that one box or on that one shelf

At the end of the day though

Listening to a woman talk is easier than listening to men talk

Since I came back here I feel like I write the same sentences over and over. Even though “everything is going great”, at the end of the night it really isn’t. Here I am like so many warm nights under palm trees and whatever the song of the week was at that time. I listen to all of those songs now. Valentine’s Day I spent listening to the soundtrack of a snake of a road trip along the brighter ocean from however many Septembers ago that was. Now at work there is a calendar hung near me with a picture of that rock we stopped at just north of Malibu. To say I miss things is wrong. I’m disappointed in everything, myself included. Some nights, well most nights I realize I’ll never have those feelings for anyone ever again. Not that intense as they were leading up to the first night we spent together. I meet women or talk to them and don’t have anything her and I initially had. Apparently it wasn’t as real to her I guess. Pretty sure she is way far gone now. Pretty much done looking for anything like that and am never going to settle. Telling myself what to do sounds like a better option in the long run anyway, who wants to become one of these dudes attached at the hip to some chick all day every day at this point?

I feel something inside

Like way down deep

Something unsatisfied

Like I want a cigarette

Or to get high

Drunk

I can't take any of that seriously

I barely sleep maybe it could help?

At the end of the night I fall asleep

I rest easy not tossing and turning

Weeping about eyes and hair

It's the waking in the middle of the night

I need to go somewhere

Do something different

Purgatory

I Come in here and see all the reasons I don’t want to be here. Unfriendly faces that are supposed to be friendly. Walking around town and seeing people I thought were supposed to be a lot more friendly, these Jesus people they love one another, but no one else. If they don’t know you, forget it, you don’t get anything. I hope they all burn in hell for eternity. I don’t want to be in this shitty place anymore. If it means doing shitty things to make money to get out of here I’ll do it, what do you got? I don’t feel any sort of connection here any more. I don’t feel like I am “turning my back on my home”, this place sucks, every single thing about it. Let me tell you how I really feel though.

At this point it doesn’t matter who will let you down, it’s just a matter of when they will.



I hate that they can’t stop it. Can’t stop the attempts to impress everyone and me with witty remarks and knowledge about shit nobody cares about. I can’t read or hear anymore of it as it makes me disappear for a day or five at a time from all of this. Asking for advice and opinions about things that are happening to nine people away from me, that I haven’t seen in however many years, who knows really. Whatever it is I am talking about here, I have no idea. Oh yeah, I’m not like you and don’t ever agree with anything you say. It never means anything and never will. You’d be better off leaving me alone. Sure I can lie for eternity and keep entertaining your ego a tiny bit every other week, but for the most part if you disappeared from my life completely I wouldn’t care even a little bit.

Whatever and whenever all of this crap washes over me, which is almost every other day I never know how I am going to react. Like someone with anger issues, most likely not. I know when to shut it off, I know what lines I am not supposed to cross over. Sometimes though, I imagine a life without knowing how and when to turn shit off. I imagine how many fights I would have gotten into. How much more shit I would have broken. How many friendships and relationships ruined. At one point though, I learned how to be a pussy about shit I guess? Or just be more of a behind the scenes shithead. At this point though, ignored and left to my own thinking and time wasting I spend way much more time figuring out how all these fucks do things. I sit around and think about who and what I despise and am left with a small handful of people and places and things to do. What a cliche that is though, eh?



"Paintings"
So I wake up because I’m tossing and turning in the bed because you know I have some issues with some issues I have how funny is that I keep myself up late at night like this so I have been reading this book it’s just a non fiction book about ummmm people I guess don’t really need to go into detail but it says a good thing to do is to wake yourself up in the middle of sleep and then write you have the most creativity and your thoughts are actually the most crystal clear they can be so you know I toss and turn in bed keeping myself awake because I have some issues with some issues I have and I wake up and hey here I am again shit what did I write in here earlier hahaha I make myself laugh so not to mention the fact that there was a guy standing at the foot of my bed while sleeping you see when this guy gets in those mean Ihateeverybody moods he needs to throw satchmo on the stereo to sing me to sleep because I have some issues with some issues I have and he helps me out he makes it all better see

Okay, look at me now cool as a cucumber I stay up late and then get up early and turn into the doctor so not to mention that I wake up and there are snakes all over the floor of my room probably from the guy that was standing there watching me sleep it’s cool though satchmo is so much more powerful than the evil doctor that comes into my room and puts snakes on the floor and makes me itch like I do I have itches all over my body all weekend he put fleas in my bed that cocksucker put fleas in my bed bedbugs is the more polite thing to call them I guess flea is a mean thing to say it’s like saying bitch or cocksucker or motherfucker or communist so yeah it’s funny because I don’t fucking dream anymore how fucked up is that that’s not fair perhaps because I watch so many movies that I don’t need to dream who cares anyway dreams mean nothing but a bunch of random images that are useless in the long run like the issues I have with some of these issues I have right now

Imagine me as fireman coming out of the building like superman or yeah forget that imagine me as superhero here to save the world from mean evil people like myself when I have those issues that I have imagine me like totally top ten style with gold rings on my fingers and a handful of cash they pick me up in jaguars and drive me far and take me to exotic places where we can forget about how to make a good cup of coffee and forget about the issues I have with some of the issues I have imagine me like the big time and shit ya know like the big time no guys coming to visit me in the middle of the night that are part of that network of people who fuck with me I talked about them and people just laugh and point and make fun like the little boy who cried wolf or fire in a crowded theatre it’s a bit funny that anyone would think that I’m this big meany who hates and spits venom in real life never takes himself too seriously I mean takes himself too seriously I mean fuck I can spell I can’t form good sentences but fuck I can spell gosh darn it but fuck if anyone ever says that I am a big jerk and I shouldn’t say this and I shouldn’t say that about this person and that person than they don’t know me and they can go sit in a theatre with little boys who yell fire and throw wolves with rabies at girls with pony tails

I once threw a jellyfish at a boy on the beach he cried and threw sand at me and my mother slapped me across the face and told me to apologize I never ended up becoming friends with him or even having a homosexual encounter I think the one thing they teach you is to never have a homosexual encounter with a boy who throws a jellyfish at your face I did all sorts of bad mean things like that when I was a little boy I threw a brick at my brothers friend because he said I sucked at football I showed him how it really was with my dallas cowboy cheerleader looking self and then a kid attacked me at age ten and I stabbed his hand with a rusty pipe

Let me tell you about it and make fun stories out of the absurdity of it all as it stands now though I can’t take people chasing me into the house because they watch me from the woods I can’t take myself too seriously I have a good amount of time left when I think ahead of a living clean lifestyle you watch me I can live like the bathroom sink with bright white and shiny like a new bathroom sink you know I can live like that like a guy that is clean like the bathtub in the convenience store outside of Knoxville Tennessee that I hid from a homeless man with an erect thumb for twenty-three minutes I can make things out of words that don’t need to hurt people or confuse people if I need to watch hello my name is christian I live in Massachusetts I enjoy good film fine food and louis armstrong once a week.

I have a plug sticking out of my head that tells me to keep going and yeah I want to say one more thing, picture me like on fire and shit like the king of the world of whatever I need it to be ya know like picture me big time.

Mass

I will ruin and destroy every single one of these fucks that "put me here"

Because I'm Afraid of Heights

where are we?

I don’t know yet

where are we going?

I don’t know, what’s the big deal?

I’m just asking

well, you ask too many questions

what’s wrong with that?

nothing, but this is a good song, so shhh for one minute

sorry

I’m just messing around…well, it is a good song

OKAY I’LL SHUT UP

you don’t have to shut up

well what the hell are you telling me to shoosh for then?

okay, now we’ve missed the song, I’m starting it over, just listen for the four minutes, can you handle that?

yes

what did you think?

that is a good song

I told you

yes, you sure did

getting back to what we were talking about before the song..where do you see yourself going with all of this anyway?

I don’t know, I just want some piece of mind

and you think this is your answer?

well, it should help

I guess

Why don’t you think so?

I just think you need to find a mirror first

what?

you need a better mirror than the one you’ve been looking in

I’m lost

you’re getting all introspective lately, but I think it’s fueled by some other power, some other people or something

I guess I get what you mean

well, look at it this way, you have problems, they have problems, I have problems, you start analyzing yourself, and you get advice from people who have the same problems, you’re getting advice from bad new age books, you need to make your own mirror and try and see yourself how you want to see yourself my opinion of how you should be shouldn’t matter, nor should the ideas some of these so called friends give you nobody knows what’s best for you better than you do

I guess so

no, it’s true

I just need to do something quick though

well, you go for the quick fix and you’re going to be taking this ride with me again talking about this same shit

I know I just feel like I’m at a dead end right now

was that a goat on the side of the road there?

what?

forget it

I just feel lost I guess

well, you can’t be lost if you’re not going anywhere

true

so get off your ass and do something

like what

I don’t know, paint, write a novel, learn how to walk the tightrope, find a career

a career in tightrope walking?

sure why not?

tightrope walking?

yeah, they must make money

how?

by being fucked enough to want to walk a tightrope

yeah

I’m sure there’s not many of them

you’re right, who walks tightropes?

people

would you ever walk a tightrope?

Hell no

why not?

because, that’s fucked up

can I have one of your cigarettes?

no

thanks, where’s your lighter?

so why wouldn’t you walk a tightrope?

it’s not necessary

so why should I do it then?

I think you’d be good at it

why?

because you have some practice already

I do?

well, sort of

I hate heights though

no you don’t

yes I do

you don’t

what do you mean, of course I do

you think you do, but you really don’t think about it

ummm…yeah, I’m still scared of them

okay whatever you say

would you rescue someone from a high building if you had a big ladder?

What kind of question is that?

A hypothetical one

fuck you

well?

I don’t know, it would depend, is the building on fire?

Don’t get into specifics

why not? I want to know what kind of trouble I might get myself into

trouble? it’s a simple question, would you or wouldn’t you?

no I wouldn’t

why?

because I’m afraid of heights

so you wouldn’t save the little boy and his pet dog?

you didn’t say anything about a little boy, or a dog!

why, is it different now?

no, but you said there were no specifics

it was my hypothetical question, I can do anything I want with it

not fair, is this cd repeating itself now?

yeah, I’ll put something else on

can I pick something?

ummm…yeah, well, let me play this for you you’ll love it

oh yeah, I forgot that you control the music in your car

the driver should be comfortable as possible

what does that have anything to do with anything?

I shouldn’t have to listen to something I don’t want to while I’m driving

these are all your cd’s though!

yeah, but I’m usually not in the same mood as someone else might be

but these are your cd’s

yeah, but right now, it’s three-fifteen in the morning, I’m not going to want to hear Motorhead most likely, I want to hear Django or the Stones or something

well, can’t you let someone look and pick something with you

of course not

where are we?

the beach

what are we doing?

we need to talk

okay