03/21/10
Successful if not useless trip out here as it turned out I didn’t need to actually be here. I still have two more full days which are already “booked” by friends for the most part.
(this thinks that that noises is made when beast is on top of machine and rips it open pulling wires out in a wild fashion screaming to the skies at how it has destroyed the communication device once and for all and nothing bad can ever be transmitted straight to it’s heart and/or soul nothing will ever have ability to communicate with it this is the way it wanted and needed to be no time or room for emotion or opinions or feelings or anything just actions happening things falling over and being picked up and that is it there is no good idea or bad idea at this point so it just moves forward or backwards whichever way they tell it to move when he dreams of it though he pictures the beast he sent down to reprogram it to this new mode celebrating atop of machine)
Going back to California for less than a week. I have no real desire to at this point. If I had known I didn’t actually need to be here I would have left there already and been on my way here I think. How boring are those sentences right there?
03/22/10
The sky is all grey here as is my general mood. I go back on Wednesday and then feel like I’ll be in limbo for less than a week and then leave. It looks like I will have a job interview when I come back via a friend. I really need to find a place to live immediately after that if I can get a job quick like a fox. It appears my living situation will be pretty dire indeed. I purposely put myself into that situation so I could hopefully move faster. For whatever reason I seem to enjoy getting myself into these situations that will test me. for instance quitting smoking two weeks before having to drive my girlfriend of seven years back to her home in Oklahoma while she ignored me and was kind of a jerk to me for that whole ride. We are now good friends. But that ride sucked and would have been a perfect place to have numerous cigarettes...so wouldn’t have the next trip a couple of weeks later driving by myself across the country and leaving everything I knew and loved back here. I should have been smoking a trillion cigarettes a day on that trip.
3/23/10
Have no idea what it says above up there. Man it stops ringing though, my head and then this weird sensation like all of a sudden one ear goes “deaf” or real quiet. I wish this would happen in life outside of my head like all of a sudden one noise would stop happening. Every morning here I have woken up in pain in my back, with a head full of cloudy ideas and whatever I think passes for happiness and contentment. Last night had two different “nights”. Hung out with one friend who seems to hate life and I guess with some of the shit she goes through I can’t blame her completely. Getting involved with shitty dudes by accident. Second part of the night was spent up north with a friend who loves life or so you would think. We hit a bar and a girl I knew a long time ago was singing cover songs with the band, and doing a good job of it. Listening to drunk people blabber on about shit though, man that gets tired doesn’t it?
This phone doesn’t stop ringing and making noise like a woman’s phone. A woman on a phone, with a phone...is there something less annoying? I wonder in the future how many Divorces will happen because of cell phones.
I kind of had to slow down writing here a bit and spend more time seeing things and hearing things and feeling things. Things should be pretty good when I come back. I have a potential job interview close to where I’ll be living and although everyone seems to be exactly the same and some people friends and family will never change, it will be nice to be around familiar ground. Also, how stupid am I coming to Massachusetts in March and not bringing a jacket?
Three dreams I had out here this week:
1) I am on some highway and there is some sort of commotion going on between cars along side of me and beside me. I look in the rear view mirror and a salmon colored van has spun out and is blocking the two lanes. The side door slides open and a figure in black waves a handgun. I speed up.
2) I am in a large Victorian house looking for G. I am opening all sorts of doors and going into weird rooms. I go on the roof and have to climb weird little fences arranged in order on the roof. I attempt to open the door of a room and hear her voice and a man laughing and shut the door. I can’t find my way out of the house.
3) I am in some weird office building/lab place with my friend SS. We are trying to escape the building and there are horrifying creatures/zombies chasing us and popping out of doorways. We escape the building only to be surrounded by these monsters outside. I lose my friend and am on my own. This dream as well as the others all woke me up.
This place I am staying in, it’s a nightmare. I will hopefully not even return to this little island when I move back here. There is nothing here that I want to remember. The whole place is an empty dark grey place. We spent a lifetime at the beach here as a child covered in sun and salt water and you know dinosaur toys and seafood and toy trucks and hopes of becoming a fireman or whatever little kids think they want to be. When we returned a few years later after going to California things got shitty. I try not to think of this whole thing happening when I experience a similar “moving back to MA from CA” in a few weeks. I hate driving through the town I hate driving to the town and I hate driving out of the town. Wait, I like driving out of the town I think. Anyway, the point of this is, waking from a nightmare in this tiny room that is also a nightmare is...well, a nightmare.
When I see things as clear as I do now and when I run into these issues I have to immediately destroy them. If I don’t they will surely destroy me. Noise and eye candy and things I never needed to see in the first place and letters never meant to be sent waiting for me to do something. I’ll never get out ‘these blues alive if I don’t have an incinerator in my brain on twenty-four hours a day.
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