My Only Friend

From here on out when I need a good friend to be there at any time, in any state in the United States of America. When I need to count on something it will be music it will never let me down. I let people down and they all let me down but also I am happier than I could ever imagine being with this realization comes the truth about-

Have no idea what I am talking about there or if I need to finish it.




"An Exorcise"

I see these eyes outside of my window

I see them hiding out there with hundreds of secret lives

I see them tossing around a football

I see them dropping the kids off at school

Late at night memories come out and the demon shows up

I see the eyes outside of my window

When the eyes disappear and I have long since faked a slumber

I awake and sneak out

I have a dagger

I have a dagger made of fire and hatred and resentment and rage and whatever else it needs

I sneak into the house

When they are all sleeping

I will silently end the life of him

I will slip into the bedroom and watch the innocent wife sleep

I will walk past the children

Like a bad ass dude out of a twelve minute long Doors song

I will walk down the hall

He will never know what happened

The best part of this

His family will wake to this nightmare

Enjoy this nightmare for all eternity innocent family

I will slip back to my nightmare filled sleep

Slip out of town quick fast and in a hurry early

I will slip past police and and tissue covered faces

I will slip past children finally free

I will make it out of here and never come back

I will feel free and like I have finally exorcised anything inside me

I will feel like the man I always needed to be

Confident

Getting shit done

Watching this motherfucker bleed out while his wife dreams of knitting and chicken dinners

Watching years later as she eats ten thousand lonely dinners in a row

Watching this motherfucker die in front of me

Let him look me dead in the eye while I hold his mouth closed

The last thing he will see is my eyes

The last thing he will feel will be nothingness

The last thing I will feel is power and life

Anacin

Some nights here I’ll stay up all night, like until the next morning. Attempt to go to sleep at six in the morning but in some state of mind where I am racing. I feel like that constantly the last few days. Usually this is on an account of her, we have a good night and also a good morning. Those are really the only great times here, with my few friends I made here, some live shows and the thought of driving across the country. I look around here though and the people are gross to me, carrying notebooks and laptops and heads full of horrible ideas around with them. You see through them like Wonder Woman’s airplane.



When I told people I was leaving some asked why I would want to go back to that weather. I can’t imagine ever letting the weather be a deciding factor in my overall happiness. There are far too many more important things that if it’s too cold or too hot. Only people who worry about shit like that would be pussies and women and I don’t see any horns coming out of my head. Wait what is the saying? Steers and queers? Anyway, yeah I don’t mind the weather.

The biggest problem about my actual drive across country is not knowing if the vehicle I am renting has an input for my iPod, plays CD’s or plays mp3 CD’s. The gathering of music for an extended road trip is a very serious project.

(head feels like it can’t think about anything whatsoever. trying to concentrate on anything remotely important is impossible. I can actually feel it physically not working. Anxious and unable to go beyond basic thoughts like “I need to walk over there”, “I am hungry”. A weird version of a headache, inability to concentrate and not being able to adjust my eyes to anything. Surrounded by death and rebirth and love and fighting and arguing and money and cars and just wanting to see her and make her happy and for her to make me happy is taking a toll on me. When I return home I want to retire computers and iPhones and everything else I use to grasp the sky for attention. A simple phone call a day or a nice letter. Remember that? Remember when we never disagreed and it worked like a glove. Late night coast to coast jokes about east coast losers and strangers with haircuts nobody would even think about liking. All of these fresh conversations in my head that will remain there forever. Right now though, completely blanked out. Can’t figure out if I need to eat, sleep or dream. I cant figure out if I need to stay or go or just disappear. Imagine that, hitting some town nobody has ever heard of and never going anywhere else again. New waiters and waitresses to spend time with, same stop sign every morning at 7:18 AM, same routine for eternity and never have to write about it or ask anyone what they think about it)



I have this thing I do where I see someone by themselves sort of like me dining alone every day and night here like that Quicksand song. I see them just over there, and then I imagine them getting killed, or something horrible and depressing happening. Or I imagine them - I have no idea.