Zoloft

Some days you know, I don’t feel like discussing music or movies I don’t feel like explaining what a band sounds like. is there a worse question in the world than “What does it sound like?”, or “What does your band sound like?” I hate putting music into categories. Obviously the Rolling Stones and The Faces and Chuck Berry sound like rock and roll music, but wait High on Fire and Judas Priest are both metal bands that sound nothing alike at all. Anyway, it seems like I’ve had a few of these lately with strangers and others. I used to hate doing this with the band I was in as I didn’t really know what to say. The bands I always used to compare us to sounded absolutely nothing like us at all but really.

Oh yeah lets keep talking about that first thing there not my band...the other thing you have to take into consideration when describing music is what I call “The Thanksgiving Meter”. I call it that because usually this conversation will take place is at a Thanksgiving dinner. Lets say you are in a band that plays music that sounds sort of like Archers of Loaf. You find yourself at a Thanksgiving dinner talking to a cousin you barely know who starts asking you about your band. It is up to you to determine how much this person knows about music. The most popular band you can maybe throw out there is “Sonic Youth” but really, this is Thanksgiving and your cousin is from Connecticut and works as a milk delivery guy. You need to go a little higher on the meter and maybe try the Smashing Pumpkins, if that doesn’t work you can push it to Nirvana. If you end up in U2 territory you are most likely talking to a deaf person or to someone who is exactly 46 years old. I’ve managed to avoid using the meter for the most part by just saying we play “heavy metal” and they usually don’t know anything about it, and/or don’t want to. Also, I would love to be in a band that sound like Archers of Loaf!

I pulled the guitar out last week and started messing around a little, but there is something going on with my left ring finger and pinky which makes me think perhaps because I haven’t played the guitar those fingers stopped getting exercise. I had some ideas of music I would like to play with a couple of friends that I will hopefully get around to putting more thought into soon. I feel like I have been “home” for months already, but I have only been here for a couple of weeks now. My other thing with guitar is, when I pick one up I don’t really do anything on it aside from try to play Allman Brothers songs on it or whatever. I used to write actual songs by myself. After a while though, the band started just improvising and coming up with music that way. Traditional methods of writing songs was so foreign to us that I couldn’t imagine bringing in a pre-written song to practice and saying “okay this one is going to go like this” it almost sounds to ego-driven, which is ironic as everything I did in that band was pretty self centered aside from putting music together.

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“If You Can Stay You’ll Eventually See”

The only thing this cup of coffee is doing for me right now

The only thing it does is keep me from reading the correct things

The right things I need to read

My eyes move too fast on the caffeine diet

Did they miss me?

Doubtful

What were they all wearing?

The gamblers

The thieves

I live amongst them

Just read what was inside of me all last summer

The way things are going now

There is nothing else that can happen

It is all uphill from here

Nobody understands this

They offer handkerchiefs and jokes

Come on, have you seen what my smile is all about?

I wear it inside out

No, actually I don’t ridicule

I don’t point my finger

I point my finger at myself

I take it out on myself

Not others

Never, right?

Obviously

I woke up this morning right

It was late in the morning

Talking to myself

Like this, and like that

Short little lines to myself

“okay”

etc.

When I cut my hair, I didn’t lose my strength like Samson

I lost my job, my wife, and my kids

I never had any of that

But I was assured I wouldn’t get it, ever

Hence me now using my fingers

Words

Honesty

They think it’s something else

What a joke it can be

Trying to explain things

When it’s all right there

When I have a secret

The first thing I do is

Record it into a tape machine

Then, and only then do I tell everyone in the world this secret


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Tonight it banged on the door. It's strange, most nights I don't see it when I come through the back door. I feel it. It overwhelms me. I don't mean to fumble with the keys, but I don't want any confrontation. I know what it's all about. I know why I'm being watched. Trying to get into my head and control me like a puppet on a string. Trying to push me over the edge. I know why you're out there. I do it. I push. I control just like you. Not to an innocent. There's a reason I do it. I don't stalk. Watch my prey first. Hiding out in the woods. Like I said the other night, just ring the bell, I'll let you in, I have nothing to hide in here, my space is yours. Just don't try and get inside me. I'm not going to let you. Not again. I spent half of my life getting rid of ghosts like you. Don't try and get your claws into me. I won't punch you. Try and win you over. We're the same skin you and I. We travel. We feed on some of the same things, yet you don't have the decency to show me your positive aspects. A coward hiding out waiting to take me over. Let me play you some sort of melody on the guitar and see if that makes you want to ring the bell instead of banging on the door. You come up right behind me like a leech. A monkey. A monkey ready to get on my back again. You always haunt me when I come home at night. You tell me that music will be heard from different ears if I let you inside me. You tell me the same bullshit I hear constantly. Try me on for size. Try me. I won't bite you.I just want to help you out. I just want you to get yourself a new friend. How many times am I going to tell you that I don't need you or them. How many times am I going to open the window and hear you out there laughing at me. It's not really that funny, you may amuse yourself, but you're far from amusing me myself and I. I'd love to be your little friend who visits here and there but doesn't sleep over. I'd love to be your friend that keeps me in the back of your head, knowing that you're there if I NEED you. But you know as well as I do that I don't. Either just come and hang, or get the fuck out.There is no room left in this head for you.