Whatever the Opposite of Yes Is

I wrote some random shit over the week on the road on this here laptop and in the "notes" thing on my iPhone. For whatever reason I didn't feel like this needed to be part of the travel entries, but I guess it kind of is/and definitely is. Wait, what?

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You make me sad

I see your cries for help

I see you trying to reach those arms out

Arms with no hands at the end of them

You will never really learn “how to be”

Just a long long life of risks and failures

A long long life of not taking risks

Routine after routine

Tired dry chicken

Tired luke warm water

Tired drives down the same three roads

Any time you get the floor though, watch out!

“Oh, look who has something to say!”

I wonder from time to time

No I don’t

I can spend night after night after night doing this

You can’t hold on to a railing without falling over

I can spend countless hours staring at the floor

You can’t keep your eyes still for five minutes

I can’t help you

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I can’t spend too much time dwelling on what I didn’t do in California. I can dwell on countless meals and deals and drives and wastes of money and lonely nights like a baby with no food and nights out and about trying to fit in. That place sucks for the most part, Southern California. It’s too big. They say to concentrate on one area and deal with that. Why not just go where it is all together already. Strip malls and 7-11’s and wasting gas and oil and money on the sun. The sun should not cost money. They should have to look you in the eye when they talk to you. You should have to shake hands with both hands at the same time to avoid hidden crossed finger conspiracies behind the backs of every man and woman living there.


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I’ve not run away from her. She is far too much for me to run away from. I would run up and down hills to get to her so why would I run away from her? She made me feel small plenty of times and huge at other times. This charming bird from the north who captured me at some point who knows when. I have no idea what to do about her. I never know what to do about them though. I would climb towers and ladders and wait on the roof of cake factories while she spoke with her priorities on the phone. The lights in that city were pretty cool, but I never got to sit and stare at them like I’ve done in my Boston. All sides of the river and ocean I have watched it. Memorized the heights of all the buildings, memorized the laugh of whoever I was with at the time. I’d like her to see all of this, we saw parts of her world and I know it saddens her that I didn’t see it all. I will. I like standing on hills quiet and breathing deep and all of that stuff that comes with scarves and looks and hands. This place I am going though, I want her to come there and be with me for a day or two or three or a million. It is the only place I want to be right now. She is the only one I fall asleep about every night. Even the nights I could punch mirrors and recreate scenes from whatever stupid movie you can think of. Those nights I fall asleep too, that’s how I know how I truly feel.

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Some of the drive I have just not played music for long periods of time. When her and I got in that argument on the phone today I didn’t play any music in the car for two hours after that. It made the drive kind of tough and rough and confusing, but I “straightened it out” (the car).

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The number of miles, when I look at it all on paper. Fuck. I keep this little notebook every time I go on a road trip and record things in it. Mostly just when I leave in the morning and what the miles are at the end of the day. Inside my head though, miles and miles of trees and mountains and deserts and white people and hamburgers and neon and bowling alleys and gross teeth. They are fucking everywhere. America, I love it and seeing it now from shore to shore. It feels great and liberating. Sure, taking a trip to Egypt or Paris is “the way to go”, but seeing all of these different places and people I have seen across 38 out of 50 states in the last however many years, I feel like my life was a tiny bit more interesting than someone who hasn’t seen these places. Sure a lot of it is just rows and rows of churches and chicken joints, but I appreciate something and some feeling I get.

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Music on this trip has been tough to deal with. I have made some playlists and stuck with certain bands...I will have to see it all at the end of this when I can see “last played” or whatever it is in iTunes. I loved doing that last time and just making a list of every song i listened to, etc. I am truly nerdy with this shit? Do I care? Whatever the opposite of yes is, that’s what I think.