August 20th, 1976

“More Than a Feeling”

Sometimes I have this thing where I will be talking to a person, like a real nice person. Well, you know, like one of those people that you can’t imagine a single person in the world doesn’t like. I will be talking to them and then just be overcome with this urge to just punch them in the face really hard. When they fall to the ground I will get on top of them and just punch them over and over until their face barely exists. I have a similar thing happening right now, sitting in this Starbucks. Everyone in here seems to know each other, there is a school nearby where a number of Jesus people are and I am wearing a shirt with an upside down cross on it. Everyone here is talking, laughing, typing away on their laptops. I keep imagining standing up and just mowing everyone down with a machine gun, every last fucking person in here. Even the ones pretending to be dead. I’ll get them too.

“Peace of Mind”

I do enjoy the trees and the winding roads out here. Everything is packed together nicely, convenient to a point, but not too stuffy. One thing I could not stand in Los Angeles was just the lack of things to see. Anything you saw was some sort of man made creation. Even the “Los Angeles River” was a joke compared to the Merrimack or Charles. Spending a week on the road by myself I made sure to take everything in and keep it inside my head. Maybe someday I will share it with someone else, that drive. There are only so many pictures of that shit you can take before you start telling yourself it isn’t going to be the same.

“Foreplay/Long Time”

This grey sky here feels familiar. I remember it from years and years of long winters here. It feels familiar and how it should feel. Days on end of sun and blue and dry air, yeah it’s great, but this grey sky. All of these people still smile and move right through it. They don’t know how to handle clouds out there on that coast. They don’t know how to handle weather under sixty degrees. At some point I forgot my visits there were always just enough.

“Rock and Roll Band”

So I want to start playing music again soon, however I have no desire to do everything else that comes with playing music that isn’t composing and performing it. I don’t want to go about calling and e-mailing and making friends in other bands and seeing bands I have no desire to see, etc. How do I go about this? I know everyone and everything I need to know now. I guess once I get something happening I will be better about this, but fuck the thought of all that other shit is horrifying. Creating music though, I am dying to do it.

“Smokin”

I can’t move backwards. It seems like they all look to the past for comfort. Things that excited you when you were a kid, they excite you now still. None of this is inside of me. I don’t really know when or how it left me, but holidays and birthdays and cartoons and shitty movies and yeah doing things that remind you of your childhood. Why? Do people want to just not grow old? Does chocolate milk appeal to me still? Sure, but does having to have some sort of security blanket to hold on to doesn’t. Watch them and how they act. Watch some children now and spot the differences.

“Hitch a Ride”

Please never tell me what you think I might be into. Please don’t try and suggest something you think I may like. The only people ever even remotely close with this kind of thing are “girlfriends”. As awful as it sounds, your opinion on anything, I don’t care about it and never will. I’m sorry, actually not really, that you thought this was some sort of jerk off party where we throw ideas back and forth about awesome stuff but it isn’t.

“Something About You”

She is so beautiful that I have “no idea what the hell to do” half the time. I can stumble around and cause problems and try to fix problems and compare her to others from my past. I can look in her eyes and try to figure out where she is. Since things have changed and we’ve become even closer recently, I can’t look into her eyes and see where she is coming from. How horrible and wonderful of a fate is this?

“Let Me Take You Home Tonight”

I can’t really be where I am without wanting to just fly away for good. Moral bankruptcy every fifteen minutes and every time I turn around. I can’t figure out if I am just stunned, surprised or let down. I want to become what they fear. I don’t want to be anything like them at all. I have to be vague when I talk about things because of the shitty nature of it all. For years and years now I have done things to try and not be anything like them. When it comes to where I want and need to be I have to walk alone.