She'll Laugh

It’s perfectly okay to forget about places and people and things you did

I could worry myself to sleep like the best of them

Nowadays I just fall asleep empty with not a care in the world

No wondering if I pissed one or five people off

No wondering when I might get the courage up to leave everything and everyone alone

I really want to do it all again, try it again

Sooner than I think I will

This place

This area of the country

This state

This life right now

There are no rewards

There is contentment

I never “can’t wait to get up tomorrow” anymore

Like a machine here though

I do it every day

Everything I thought was back here isn’t here at all

Everything and everyone is the same

Cold, selfish, uninterested in anything I am interested in

It’s like everything here moved ahead (backwards?) while I was gone

I have no desire to catch up really

This New England place, it’s incorrect

I have nothing in common with it

Lying and saying “I’m a New England person” sounds good

Looks okay on paper I guess

When I think of steel, sunlight and blank skies though

I feel like myself all over again

I guess you can be wrong a few times in a row before you get it right

-------------------

She comes to me every few weeks - I remember how in love with her I can get - I remember how in love with her deep eyes I can be - Her laugh and hands and smile - I can never have that ever really - every few weeks though I return

Golden

I feel like I am constantly blue because my feelings are all ghosts now

There’s nothing deep happening at all

A guy who goes to work and has some people around from time to time

At this point I’ll never really get that much closer

I don’t need to really

All of the people I talk to regularly are women

Even just being friends with women you see how emotional they are

They all cry constantly

All they ever fucking do is cry

Listening to what is important to them

I ignore and wonder if that one John Coltrane album is in that one box or on that one shelf

At the end of the day though

Listening to a woman talk is easier than listening to men talk

Since I came back here I feel like I write the same sentences over and over. Even though “everything is going great”, at the end of the night it really isn’t. Here I am like so many warm nights under palm trees and whatever the song of the week was at that time. I listen to all of those songs now. Valentine’s Day I spent listening to the soundtrack of a snake of a road trip along the brighter ocean from however many Septembers ago that was. Now at work there is a calendar hung near me with a picture of that rock we stopped at just north of Malibu. To say I miss things is wrong. I’m disappointed in everything, myself included. Some nights, well most nights I realize I’ll never have those feelings for anyone ever again. Not that intense as they were leading up to the first night we spent together. I meet women or talk to them and don’t have anything her and I initially had. Apparently it wasn’t as real to her I guess. Pretty sure she is way far gone now. Pretty much done looking for anything like that and am never going to settle. Telling myself what to do sounds like a better option in the long run anyway, who wants to become one of these dudes attached at the hip to some chick all day every day at this point?

I feel something inside

Like way down deep

Something unsatisfied

Like I want a cigarette

Or to get high

Drunk

I can't take any of that seriously

I barely sleep maybe it could help?

At the end of the night I fall asleep

I rest easy not tossing and turning

Weeping about eyes and hair

It's the waking in the middle of the night

I need to go somewhere

Do something different

15 Lies I've Told

1.       

               a) Discordant guitars in place of women complaining in my ear every twelve minutes

2.           

          b) Going to sleep never – remembering winding through the whatever valley heading west towards the ocean – this keeps me awake still

3.            

          c) A series of empty sexual experiences in your 20’s, 30’s and 40’s

4.           

          d ) I’ll only smash them inside my head

5.            

          e) He carries weapons around with him. In his jacket, in his car, in his closet

6.        

                f)  Pussies and chicks liked The Beatles, dudes who loved eating pussy and knew all women were evil and lied liked the Rolling Stones. I liked both, and The Who.

7.        

               g) Communication

8.         

          h) Some nights it’s hard not to walk off into the woods.

9.         

          i) I secretly hate living in New England and can’t wait to leave again in a couple of years or one

10.      

          j) ?

11.     

               k) I think I may be

12.      

          l) Nobody has ever cared what you ate

13.     

               m) All the Van Halen albums with David Lee Roth

                   

          n) That dude's wife Stacie

          

          o) "I love you"

n)

Alabama

Coming back here has had its good qualities and bad ones. For one, the weather here makes it awful, but mostly because you have to listen to pussies complaining about it constantly. Another thing I haven’t been able to hide, but also I am able to hide. That overwhelming feeling of loneliness in a city of four million is still the same here where I run into someone I know every other day. I feel like I don’t agree with anyone on anything here anymore. Wait, I think I always felt like that. Lately though, feeling isolated and ready to hit the road and do what I enjoy best: watch time and people go by. Lately this overwhelming gray sky makes it hard to imagine a time sitting on a bench overlooking Morro Bay, or hours and hours of late night orange lights flying by. There’s nothing really here for me, so I am trying to make things here. Music and writing and going out and seeing music as much as possible, being around creative people helps me want to do more. Feeds my desire to do a million things and kill people and their silly ideas that “there isn’t enough time”. Why can’t you do a million things at once? Who wants to sit still and do the same shit every other night? Getting caught up in the routine. Getting involved in a relationship destroys this. I see it in every relationship I spend time around. Two people settling, telling themselves this is what they want. Really though, at the end of the day there is one person running the show. Most women I know are in denial that their significant other pretty much runs the relationship. Weakness. My last relationship, we didn’t have this. Although short lived, she had a lot to do with the every day when we did see each other. I can sit here and judge and worry about other people’s relationships and habits and weaknesses until I am blue in the face and it will still remain the same. I do what I do and always will. I am far too selfish of a person right now to even put in the time needed for a relationship. An endless series of exhausting arguments about nothing and everything so at the end of the day you can tell yourself “at least I have someone”? No thanks. Bitter? Sure I am, but at the end of the day I’m not the one convincing myself I am happy. Go ahead, tell yourself that’s really what you want. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that. Sounds like fun.

So my trip across country is slowly getting planned out, although I haven’t mentioned much of it to anyone, I have a few different people who may or may not come with me. At some point in the next few weeks I should have a better idea of what I am doing and when.

Anyway, fuck this

Wanderer above the Sea of Fog

This years long feeling of dread that was always in my brain and when I looked out the window at the end of the day, out into the woods, into the eyes of unsuspecting weak women who had no idea who I was. “they’re all weak” I’ll tell myself forever and for the most part I'm correct. I can barely look in mirrors nowadays. That years long feeling of dread. For the most part caused by polluting my body with all types of poisons. It’s gone now. Now I am still just as paranoid and dread it all. I still feel them all behind me ready to take me somewhere I don’t want to go. Listening to them complain, echoes of the same complaints over and over for years now, the same people complaining about the same thing. Weekend nights are hopeless now. Remember a weekend evening was cause for much needed sleep the next day? A quiet night with one or three people works now. A nice night out with a friend, walking around book stores and gossip halls. Most of the week, a ghost in the forest lurking around, attempting to make women all over the world laugh when I can. I have no connections, deep connections with other men nowadays. Maybe for a long time now? In Los Angeles I certainly did not. This afternoon I missed the coast out there. The Pacific ocean, how we drove it up and down, well a couple of trips one ending almost bad and one beginning amazing. Who is the guy two years ago thinking eternity is an actual idea? Whoever I thought I was, I wasn’t even close. Under a spell of bright blue water and deeper eyes, sugar kisses and hair that flowed down like all night long. I miss it and her constantly but never think about it all too much. I hate ever saying “I’ve moved on” as that is such an empty and final thing to say for such a big piece of me in the last decade. Hmm, this blanket of white ice that seems to cover us once a week now is holding something down. Is it holding down my thoughts so they don’t float away into the sky like before and end up all over the clouds? My own thoughts spent months and months turning the clouds and sky dark gray. My own ideas for how to make things better was to move further and further away from the “nice guy” I always am. Yeah, that guy. Bitter and shot down for the last time ever I am a completely different person now and I imagine some other completely different guy out there I’ll never know in my place doing everything right I could never get down. Still not 100% comfortable with this place and this person. As much as I am obviously going to stay here for a long time, my head is always going to be scatterbrain and never be able to sit still. Sometimes I fuck things up for a reason. Sometimes other people fuck things up for a reason. It all happens so slow when you are older that you have the time to fix it, but you get so comfortable you have no idea how to do any repairs. I wonder if I’ll laugh about all this in three years time of if I’ll still be kicking myself in the teeth for it.

Mississippi

I thought I wouldn’t come back here for a few, and my head has been elsewhere for weeks now. Now that I kind of have a few minutes to breathe, where was I?

We have this awful fucking weather here that I kind of forgot about. Mounds and mounds of snow everywhere just make it look depressing, and then again people walk around still complaining about it as it happens. My main problem with it is it’s made me miss some days of work; that and just the piles of it everywhere makes life ugly for some reason. Reconnecting with a friend from my past has been very nice even if the timing of it has been horrible and awful. It’s been a nice few weeks anyway. Work has been good, and I was offered a new position already. I will be traveling around the US, and it’s not sales. I am beyond excited for this since I really have nothing here happening. I am trying to get a band together here with some friends, and that is the only thing I really would have here that I would want to be around for. I hate sitting still. I feel like everyone and everything around me is sitting still at all times. On a shittier note my last remaining grandparent (grandmother on my mom’s side) died last week. It wasn’t out of the blue, but of course that’s never a good time.

Days go by here like pages in teenage diaries
I try and keep tabs on everything and everywhere I go
I feel like I never need a reason to do anything now
Don’t give me one
I don’t need to tell anyone anything now
In my past, weak people I never met
Thousands of miles away making enemies of rednecks and dykes at the same time
Morally bankrupt couples trying to play it off like everything is okay
I see it in every woman’s eye
The desire to fuck someone new
In every man’s eye
The desire to fuck someone else sometime soon
Tell yourself you’re happy with the word forever
Go ahead

Michigan

I didn’t look forward to bright white skies and grey sidewalks
I never look forward to this time of year
Icicles wrapped around your face and brain for hours a night
Going to sleep not knowing if I am good enough
Going to sleep with ten thousand sad saxophones swirling around
Why the fuck did I come back here?
Why did I ever think this was the right place?
I connect with nobody here
I don’t have anything in common with New England
I don’t have anything in common with the winter
I’m not a cold person
They all are
Every last one of them
They complain and whine and tell you of headaches and colds and flus on the internet
They compare their hatred of their lives to each other
So and so is not as good as I have it and so and so is better off than I
I spend less and less time worrying about how other people are and feel better for it
I feel better off than everyone
I feel ten thousand times happier than I was say five weeks ago
Four weeks ago
Three weeks ago
Two weeks ago
Everything needs an epilogue and here it is I guess.
It didn’t turn out at all like I thought.
I forgot about 2009 and 2010
I forgot about music I played and songs I sang and stories I wrote and roads I traveled and pictures I took
Everything is gone now
This year is already better ten days in

The 99 People You Meet in Heaven

1.       We could easily turn this into a fight, hold on, let me get my glasses.
2.       You could wear a thousand different hats and no man is ever going to notice.
3.       White chicks at this point
4.       She would walk home exhausted as a whore.
5.       “I heard you knew a lot about music”
6.       I don’t talk to you because you’re fat, not because I’m some sort of dickhead.
7.       “These fucking Greeks!”
8.       His breath smelled of rotten cabbage and bad poetry but his cock smelled like heaven.
9.       I brought all of the pills with me
10.   “Is your name Dave?”
11.   I honestly do care how awesome you think Pink Floyd is.
12.   One night Rick showed up and everyone cheered.
13.   “No, please enlighten me as to why Leslie is the way she is”
14.   I walked in and made eye contact and immediately walked out. Every time.
15.   He was so scared of her, he asked her best friend to dance to the Bob Seger song instead.
16.   They tried working out their differences with a murder/suicide.
17.   He drove all night to the casino.
18.   “What’s your band up to these days?”
19.   He only cried when white men played the piano. This is how we knew he was gay.
20.   Trying to explain George Gershwin to someone on beer.
21.   I read this thing about this thing and apparently the thing is pretty awesome.
22.   How many cigarettes do I have to give you for you to get cancer right here in front of me and die?
23.   “oh man, that chick has huge tits!”
24.   “I know!”
25.   After a shared bowl of spicy corn chowder she walked home from his dreamy bedroom eyes and was brutally clubbed to death in front of a Starbucks.
26.   “Hey hey mama said the way you move. Gonna make you sweat gonna make you groove”
27.   He ripped apart a whole gorilla with his bare hands.
28.   “I tell you what, wait right here and I’ll go get the policeman myself”
29.   This completely changes how I need to escape.
30.   She got a text message that just read “Sheila needs tht $40 u owe her”
31.   One time I decided not to breathe for a whole night. This prepared me for everything I now know.
32.   “When is your new CD coming out?”
33.   On Friday nights she would cry Mike’s Hard Lemonade flavored tears into her lonely bowl of lentil soup.
34.   Black Sabbath – Technical Ecstasy
35.   “Oh hey man…no, it’s Mike”
36.   You’ve probably told more lies in the last seven minutes than I have in the last two.
37.   “Holy shit, they’re playing an acoustic version of Swarming Vulgar Mass of Infected Virulency! ”
38.   “No, it’s Satellite by the Dave Matthews Band”
39.   “Oh”
40.   1996 called, they want your taste in music back.
41.   I was on drugs.
42.   “Hi, I’d like to report a crime in progress…there is a band performing music live and they are all white”
43.   He would always give her the parsley off his plate. Three years later she jumped out of a window and landed on a white BMW with the license plate “SPOYLED”
44.   Oh man we ate some serious pussy back then. Then of course Craig had to move away.
45.   “Man it’s pretty crowded in there. Is Rick still here?”
46.   “What city please? Wakefield. Name please? Yes, it’s September eleventh”
47.   The guitar solo from “Hold on Loosely” by .38 Special
48.   I’m the guy that plays songs but they are funny.
49.   I’m the guy that plays songs but they are progressive.
50.   Gregory
51.   I’m the guy that plays songs but they are beautiful.
52.   “Wow this beer tastes really good. Wait, am I an idiot?”
53.   “That might have been the best harmonica solo I’ve ever heard in my life, and I’m only twenty”
54.   I can’t think of any books I’ve read to impress this chick’s tits
55.   One night at a party at her place I put on some punk rock music and her new boyfriend shut it off and put Jethro Tull on. This dickhead, literally wearing one of those tuxedo t-shirts did an air-flute solo. She fucked me a week later and cried halfway through. 
56.   “Hi, I would like to buy this copy of Draw the Line by Aerosmith and put it on my credit card”
57.   They were then told to enter the room and sit until ‘the black guy’ showed up”
58.   She didn’t realize that her nose was too big.
59.   “Oh shit, that’s the guy from Agnostic Front!”
60.   He was one part Danny Glover, one part Osama Bin Laden and just a little bit Rachel Ray.
61.   “When do you guys start singing?”
62.   “This one goes out to all you crazy motherfuckers high on PCP out there tonight, it’s a little song called One by U2!”
63.   Sometimes he would show up with a suitcase so full of insecurity she would suck his dick just so he’d go home.
64.   “Kim, do you realize what today is?”
65.   He would tell me war stories about how drunk he was this one time, who he fucked, how awesome life was. He never told me if my sister was still alive.  
66.   “Oh great, we’re out of cocaine again”
67.   That guy Larry from Three’s Company vs. a teenager with a Fallout Boy shirt on
68.   Debbie could sing. She couldn’t lip sync though. Man if karaoke existed back then she would have been the queen of the town.
69.   “Yeah but I’m not your father”
70.   Incense and tuxedos. You know them. We would go over there and get high and listen to Siouxsie and the Banshees records. Man I would pay a million dollars to see those people again. That one dude never wanted me to know he was gay because he thought I would beat him up. He was kind of cute.
71.   They shared a brief fond memory of their first date at that museum as his car went careening into a tree killing her instantly, him three days later.  
72.   “Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful, and since we’ve no place to go let me eat your ass while we watch Jay Leno ”
73.   “Oh great, Sting is here”
74.   That one dude that looks like he has something wrong with his ear.
75.   “Did you used to work at Panera Bread?”
76.   He needed to tell you the same thing over and over. You knew everything he was going to say three weeks in advance.
77.   “What the fuck is wrong with your cousin?”
78.   He bought a drink for her and her friend. When he got home that night he did crossword puzzles into the next morning.
79.   “Hi Candice, did I happen to leave my dignity in your car last night?”
80.   Side three of The Song Remains the Same soundtrack
81.   We talked about Ornette Coleman all night and then I woke up and had to go to work. The following night I dreamt I was on my way to some sort of gala event. I wore a tuxedo. It was odd; I could actually think clear thoughts, unlike in real life where every piece of information going into my head is barely processed before making a quick exit. When I arrived at the event I discovered it was just a group of people standing around drinking beer from countries nobody has ever heard of talking about football scores and what kind of cars they all drove.
82.   I took her to meet three women I had fucked so they could judge her
83.   The guy in the Hawaiian shirt just showed up and apparently is ready to “fuck anything with two legs”
84.   The first time you heard Shoot to Thrill by AC/DC
85.   When I think of her and that state she lives in I hope the whole place is earthquaked into the stone age
86.   Even fat I manage to surprise myself
87.   “She practically invented abortions”
88.   I need to run far away from here. I keep telling myself that and then good things happen.
89.   These men. I watch them with their women and deep down to myself know there is no possible way they know about fucking.
90.   “I’d like to report a rape”
91.   I’m too jaded and burned out to ever fall in love again at this point. I enjoy showing up in other languages. I don’t want them to read me. I don’t want them next to me and rubbing elbows with me and my family and circle.
92.   They try to get in on the fun and make jokes like I do and fail miserably. Every time
93.   “Wow that woman looks like one of my daughter’s friends, but if she was on Xanax”
94.   If I went to Egypt
95.   Currently feeling tall and small and closed in and wide open all at the same time. Better than feeling all alone in a sea of tall trees and wide open spaces. Wait, I guess?
96.   “wait, that’s the dude Taylor is fucking now?”
97.   Denise
98.   “Ladies and gentlemen, orgasms”
99.   I died once.

Years

This should be the last entry in this blog but it won’t be. I almost have the new one ready to go. For the most part, this year sucked. I reluctantly came back here and ended up staying, Three people I know died and the girl I signed letters to with “I love you” at the end is gone. I got a job and got to spend more time with my friends so so there’s that but I wish the shitty things didn’t happen. Anyway, hopefully 2011 will be better.


I’m beginning to think people have the wrong idea about me. I spend a good amount of time making fun of people and things and music and whatnot, but at the end of the day, none of this stuff really bothers me at all. I tend to not think about it more than for a passing minute or so, to make some sort of joke. The people one is the big one. Most people I know seem to have daily issues with people and stupid people and whatever else burns their ass that day. At one point I told myself unless someone was directly harming me, I don’t care what they do. I don’t care how stupid they are or anything. I can’t imagine ever even being like that..letting people get to me. Once you do that, then they all win. Get to a point where you don’t care what people are like and don’t care what anyone thinks about you and you can say anything you want and at the end of the day have way less stress in life. As Robert Hunter said "ain't no time to hate". I guess Massachusetts is rubbing off on me.

North Dakota

The hopeless gray and white and ice cold chill everywhere grabs you usually around January. I don’t live near the ocean anymore so I don’t get to see it as much. You end up feeling even colder there. Icy fingers of bare trees reaching down and grabbing all the energy out of you. This year though, I don’t think I’ll have that. I already gave up on thinking I’d have some sort of good holiday or whatever, but as usual no gifts bought and I’m “just not feelin’ it”. It’s worse when everyone around you is full on in the mode.   Regardless though, I’ve been to the shopping malls and stores more than ever this season. I think since I recently started having money on me.

Weekends come and go now, a brief break in the routine
You can sit home and dwell on history
You can go out and dwell on history
You can sit it out completely and move ahead
I can never do this completely
A trillion different people buried deep inside your brain
No faces on any of them
Every girl you ever want to fuck
Every girl you fucked
They are out getting fucked tonight
Every empty experience you can possibly have
Every empty experience can bring you a smile for five minutes
Drives home
Saxophones and invisible cigarettes for days
Conversations that have nothing in common with you
“More and more nowadays I feel further away,
I feel misunderstood”
It’s not like anyone is listening
All they do is talk and talk
Every last one of them worried about other people
I spend less time thinking about people now
A cliche long forgotten
I’d rather the dwelling at home
Warm books and saxophones
Invisible cigarettes and white chicks
All of them are ghosts to me now