Alabama

Coming back here has had its good qualities and bad ones. For one, the weather here makes it awful, but mostly because you have to listen to pussies complaining about it constantly. Another thing I haven’t been able to hide, but also I am able to hide. That overwhelming feeling of loneliness in a city of four million is still the same here where I run into someone I know every other day. I feel like I don’t agree with anyone on anything here anymore. Wait, I think I always felt like that. Lately though, feeling isolated and ready to hit the road and do what I enjoy best: watch time and people go by. Lately this overwhelming gray sky makes it hard to imagine a time sitting on a bench overlooking Morro Bay, or hours and hours of late night orange lights flying by. There’s nothing really here for me, so I am trying to make things here. Music and writing and going out and seeing music as much as possible, being around creative people helps me want to do more. Feeds my desire to do a million things and kill people and their silly ideas that “there isn’t enough time”. Why can’t you do a million things at once? Who wants to sit still and do the same shit every other night? Getting caught up in the routine. Getting involved in a relationship destroys this. I see it in every relationship I spend time around. Two people settling, telling themselves this is what they want. Really though, at the end of the day there is one person running the show. Most women I know are in denial that their significant other pretty much runs the relationship. Weakness. My last relationship, we didn’t have this. Although short lived, she had a lot to do with the every day when we did see each other. I can sit here and judge and worry about other people’s relationships and habits and weaknesses until I am blue in the face and it will still remain the same. I do what I do and always will. I am far too selfish of a person right now to even put in the time needed for a relationship. An endless series of exhausting arguments about nothing and everything so at the end of the day you can tell yourself “at least I have someone”? No thanks. Bitter? Sure I am, but at the end of the day I’m not the one convincing myself I am happy. Go ahead, tell yourself that’s really what you want. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that. Sounds like fun.

So my trip across country is slowly getting planned out, although I haven’t mentioned much of it to anyone, I have a few different people who may or may not come with me. At some point in the next few weeks I should have a better idea of what I am doing and when.

Anyway, fuck this