North Dakota

The hopeless gray and white and ice cold chill everywhere grabs you usually around January. I don’t live near the ocean anymore so I don’t get to see it as much. You end up feeling even colder there. Icy fingers of bare trees reaching down and grabbing all the energy out of you. This year though, I don’t think I’ll have that. I already gave up on thinking I’d have some sort of good holiday or whatever, but as usual no gifts bought and I’m “just not feelin’ it”. It’s worse when everyone around you is full on in the mode.   Regardless though, I’ve been to the shopping malls and stores more than ever this season. I think since I recently started having money on me.

Weekends come and go now, a brief break in the routine
You can sit home and dwell on history
You can go out and dwell on history
You can sit it out completely and move ahead
I can never do this completely
A trillion different people buried deep inside your brain
No faces on any of them
Every girl you ever want to fuck
Every girl you fucked
They are out getting fucked tonight
Every empty experience you can possibly have
Every empty experience can bring you a smile for five minutes
Drives home
Saxophones and invisible cigarettes for days
Conversations that have nothing in common with you
“More and more nowadays I feel further away,
I feel misunderstood”
It’s not like anyone is listening
All they do is talk and talk
Every last one of them worried about other people
I spend less time thinking about people now
A cliche long forgotten
I’d rather the dwelling at home
Warm books and saxophones
Invisible cigarettes and white chicks
All of them are ghosts to me now