Golden

I feel like I am constantly blue because my feelings are all ghosts now

There’s nothing deep happening at all

A guy who goes to work and has some people around from time to time

At this point I’ll never really get that much closer

I don’t need to really

All of the people I talk to regularly are women

Even just being friends with women you see how emotional they are

They all cry constantly

All they ever fucking do is cry

Listening to what is important to them

I ignore and wonder if that one John Coltrane album is in that one box or on that one shelf

At the end of the day though

Listening to a woman talk is easier than listening to men talk

Since I came back here I feel like I write the same sentences over and over. Even though “everything is going great”, at the end of the night it really isn’t. Here I am like so many warm nights under palm trees and whatever the song of the week was at that time. I listen to all of those songs now. Valentine’s Day I spent listening to the soundtrack of a snake of a road trip along the brighter ocean from however many Septembers ago that was. Now at work there is a calendar hung near me with a picture of that rock we stopped at just north of Malibu. To say I miss things is wrong. I’m disappointed in everything, myself included. Some nights, well most nights I realize I’ll never have those feelings for anyone ever again. Not that intense as they were leading up to the first night we spent together. I meet women or talk to them and don’t have anything her and I initially had. Apparently it wasn’t as real to her I guess. Pretty sure she is way far gone now. Pretty much done looking for anything like that and am never going to settle. Telling myself what to do sounds like a better option in the long run anyway, who wants to become one of these dudes attached at the hip to some chick all day every day at this point?

I feel something inside

Like way down deep

Something unsatisfied

Like I want a cigarette

Or to get high

Drunk

I can't take any of that seriously

I barely sleep maybe it could help?

At the end of the night I fall asleep

I rest easy not tossing and turning

Weeping about eyes and hair

It's the waking in the middle of the night

I need to go somewhere

Do something different