Monday, May 02, 2011

This Beach

Halfway through every tired conversation and I’m out - on the beach - at the top of a hill looking over the water - sitting on some bench  - escapism every fifteen minutes - I make jokes about how uncomfortable it all really is here - really though - I am somewhere else completely - this existence here - a failure waiting to happen - no fun in the sun to be had - losing inspiration and anything remotely creative as the days tick by -I sleep even less now - in bed by 2:00, awake at 4:30 - back to sleep sporadically for a couple of hours - listen to myself drive myself crazy all morning - driving to a routine - driving home to a routine - no sign of escape in sight - i made a horrible mistake not growing up five months ago - some days and nights I truly need to be left alone though

(10/19/10 - When I think of how angry she has made me it saddens me. Thinking about how happy we were when we met and that general way we talked to each other and talk to each other when we are in “normal” times. To go from that to the way we are now, which is just on the edge, ready to strangle each other and kill each other at any moment is shitty. Not where I wanted to ever get with her. She makes me just angry as hell. I go to sleep angry over and over with her. There were nights I wasn’t going to bed like that for a little while. At the very least  I can try and exhaust myself into sleeping every night now. I can get myself into and out of situations real easy.)

The way the November sun hit her hair was like gold - why are you talking to me - I fuck things up all the time though - I don’t follow through with them - a series of ideas and things to think about - ended - never realized until later- hmm, this would be what I would tell my therapist if I had one - that sounds like a waste of time and energy though doesn’t it?

(10/15/10 - These intense vivid memories of things her and I did, good ones and bad ones. I can remember her face but I can’t remember what it’s like to hold her in my arms. The relationship based on words and photographs. How odd. I wonder how to turn this into a story that isn’t necessarily mean or anything, but how hard I can fall with just that little part of a relationship there. Seeing each other for a year and not making it whole for long enough. I can remember all the hellos and goodbyes in airports and parking lots of hotels. Some of them after intense fights. I never had these kinds of fights with anyone before. )

Feeling suspicious and watching some people - feeling like I know motives and feelings before they happen now - weak - I stand looking clueless around - I see the clues though - disgusted even more now - knowing all of these close people lie and lie to each other - i mean granted I do too - so what’s the big deal really?

(7/31/10 - Turning into a cliche every twelve minutes of my life. Daily angst filled rants swirling around in my head.)

It’s nice to not have to answer the phone - it’s nice to not have to tell anyone about your day - it’s nice all of this - kind of just show up and talk - you get this nice circle of friends - spend some one on time with a few of them here and there - pretty girls - interesting conversations and dark eyes - any other decade and you’d be falling all over yourself - writing ill-advised notes to women who barely want to even hug you - writing horrible journal entries by hand - good God

(4/7/10 - Back in Massachusetts now. Living at home and after three nights I feel like I am ready to explode. I need to get out  and soon. She is going to come here in May to visit. The whole thing is getting weirder now, but I am just kind of going with it.)

Yeah right


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