A Sort of Homecoming

11/22/09

Thousands of feet above Las Vegas right now, listening to Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel, purely by accident. My love does not wait silently for me where I am going. I guess if you call New England a place I love and hold dearly it kind of makes sense in a different way. Going home for the second time since I moved and I’m not even really settled there is kind of an odd feeling. I almost feel like I am just on some long ass vacation.

The same feeling I had when I used to go away to California, I got that coming here. I think that is telling me something? Weird how much is inside my head that nobody knows about. I decided on this trip to kind of forget about California. Forget about sun. Forget about how I feel there every day and then every other day. I will write less, maybe take more photos. I will write less that people will see. I have been keeping this intense journal on my computer at home and on this laptop that nobody will ever read. I kind of follow a pattern and write the same thing every day in there, but it is a good exercise that tells me where I am at in life.

I did not sleep last night, deciding to go in and out of sleep on the airplane instead. Thankfully, there was an empty seat between the guy on the aisle and myself as the seats in coach are brutal for people my size. Sometimes I will upgrade to first class, but money isn’t really allowing that right now. I like sleeping on the airplane though, especially these long flights. I read for a minute or two and then fall asleep and that’s that. Today I put on some Grateful Dead from 1973 and faded in and out of sleep for a few hours which is all I really need. I say that now, as I fade in and out of life as I type this. Once I start seeing things and realize I am not thinking about things in my life I know it’s time to hit the bed. It is safe. I spent so many nights awake in thinking about my situation over the last year or two and thinking about these escapism scenarios with a girl thousands of miles away. That would put me to sleep every night, thinking of her and her smile. Imaging us on the coast somewhere, waves crashing below. Content. Happy. Now here I am back in Massachusetts with sixteen different ideas about thirty five different oceans, none of them calm.

Tomorrow I am going to take some pictures of the area and try not to think about anything remotely that has to do with me.



11/23/09

Spent a good day today outdoors. It was cold and overcast all day. It feels kind of good to have it on my face. It doesn’t really feel that cold like I thought it would coming from Los Angeles. Strange how warm it is in California but how cold I feel there a lot of the time. I feel distant from everyone there. I try to explain this feeling to folks and I am looked at like I have eight heads. It is a lonely place, regardless of people telling me I am not trying hard enough and that kind of thing. Listening to people tell me how it is and what I am bad at and what I am doing wrong has been going on for quite some time and what a shitty place that is to be. This kind of thing has been going on for at least ten years with people.

I like going in and out of moods sometimes as it keeps me busy and keeps my head going. On the other hand though, getting way too lost in your head, walking around the woods or out at the ocean is unhealthy for me if I don’t have a pen or a keyboard in front of me. I can’t delete thoughts with a backspace or delete key. I can’t go back and edit thoughts so they catch the eyes of whoever could be reading it. I can’t close out a document and turn it off. I keep going and going up and down and back and forth. With no set routine in my life, my head is turning into an espionage novel. Conspiracies taking place left and right. At the end of the day though, I fall asleep laughing every night. Remembering that I’ve been the same person for well over twenty years now. Remembering everyone remains the same person forever. This is kind of a problem. But not really as it’s real.



11/25/09

Pretty good day today and night last night. Got a call from an old friend who had no idea I was in town and we ended up hanging out all night until way past 5:00 AM, drank some wine and talked about old times and current times which are pretty heavy for her right now. She is an amazing woman and mother of a beautiful kid and I’m sure will pull out if it, but man, some men really suck how they treat women. Especially when the women are my friends. Ugh.

Still kind of feel like a target. Fuck.

Have been dying for red wine all day today. Almost feel like replacing coffee with red wine. Maybe one glass a night before bed. I think they said that is a good thing? No fucking way I am really doing this though I just felt like typing those words out.

11/29/09

Oh, four days later. In a pretty good place in my head for the most part. I kind of want to go home now. Listening to “Everybody’s Been Burned”, a solo version with just Graham Nash, wow what an intense song that is. I may play it again just to experience that vibe again.

Today I spent the day by myself. Took a long drive to the ocean and took some more photos of things that are etched in my memory anyway. This makes things a bit more clear for me though. Now I have fresh memories as well as photos of some of these places I have spent years speeding by in a car with a head full of ideas and girls with nice shoes and friends huffing cigarettes and racist jokes by the second. Good times, New England. Who knows, I may come back here some day to die. I had a great time with my friends and family and feel like it was a good idea that I stayed a little longer than originally planned. I think I got whatever out of me I needed to get out of me, or rather, got whatever ideas I may have had about wanting to come home out of me. I still feel like whole stories aren’t being told and I still always sleep with one eye open, but right now I am content to be in this place I am in. The way I have operated lately, I could easily be an asshole in three days again.

One thing here, like I love it here because of my friends here and you know it looks nice or whatever, but I will never be one of these people who is like proud of where they come from or what their nationality is. Taking pride in circumstantial shit like this is bullshit to me. Irish pride. Proud to be from New York. Proud to be from Boston. Proud to be from the South. Proud to be Italian. None of this has anything to do with you. Your dad came in your mother’s vagina and you were born, that’s all that happened.

I guess I should go to bed and let you think about that image for a bit.



11/30/09

Like most nights in 2009 I barely slept last night. I attempted to go to sleep early, but still woke up every hour or so, eventually waking up at 8:00 AM which coincidentally would be around when I would be going to sleep in California on a normal night...well, 5:00 AM.

Going back tomorrow I feel like the trip was good and bad. Bad as the weather here really does suck. I mean it was unseasonably warm for most of the time but really, the sun was out one day out ten. No wonder everyone here is so miserable. People enjoy complaining here, they also enjoy giving unsolicited opinions on things. Two things I can’t get behind. What I mean is going on to the internet and letting the world know that this thing in your life sucks and how this thing is awesome and this thing is not. After a while it gets boring and then you form opinions or ideas about people by their personality on the internet which is really bad. I recently have tried to slow that kind of thing down as I feel like I may start being defined by things I say on the internet. The best time to reach me is when I am in person. Anything else is for attention, just like anyone else. I’ll try and remain the really funny guy you know though with my witty one liners. You watch.

12/1/09

Wow, the first day of the last month of the year. What a great year for horrible experiences.

Saw a ton of great live music. Moved 3000 miles away from home. Broke up with my girlfriend of 6 and a half years or so. Split the band. Got closer to this great bird out west. Avoided being really cold. Got to drive across the country one and a half times. Went to Utah. Seemed to spend more time with my friends because of the move before, after and during. Reconnected with some old friends. Oh yeah, and quit smoking after smoking for 20 something years. Like way more than 20, 25 years? Who knows, but I feel better.

12/1/09 II

Up at 8:00 AM, I barely slept last night which is nothing new, but it was definitely one of those never get comfortable nights which happens way too often. Perhaps once I get into a gym when I return this will change. Either way I can’t fucking deal with it.

Followed around everywhere I go. They follow and listen in to my calls and read the things I write. I pull over to the side of the road and they drive past me making believe they are someone else. I know who they are though. I don't have any secrets yet they dig and even when I set traps for them they put me on trial for something I didn't do. Sometimes I do things in my sleep you know, even in the middle of the day.

Tomorrow starts chapter 3 I guess.

Mean old sway

“Let’s Spend the Night Together”
I remember the first time we sat under the sky in the parking lot of the baseball field. We were young and had no idea what the hell we were doing there. Well, you did, I didn't, I thought I did. Years later you're running around with rock stars and having pictures drawn all over your body. I surprised you that time, and we went to your apartment in the ghetto and talked all night while I wondered what you saw in what the hell you were doing. I wonder now if you're even alive at this point. We never dated, we never even kissed, but we always had something going at one point or another. It's been so long I don't even remember your middle name, even though you probably told me on the phone in the middle of the night 16 times. Those phone calls. I haven't had that in my life for so long now. Everyone wants off the phone immediately nowadays. I am a busy person, how can I help you? Am I a customer, or an old friend from your past? How many times did I fall asleep on you on the phone? It wasn't because you were boring me, it's because it felt like you were right next to me in the bed.
“You Can’t Always Get What You Want”
There's been all sorts of shit flying by me every day lately, little creatures, or shadows of things following me around. They never make any noise, yet they follow me, they were out with me tonight, and they fly around whenever I'm on here. Like they know I'm not paying attention to them. I see them though. Perhaps they will follow me on the trip to the mirror. The mirror is 3 feet by 6 feet, and is on a lovely mahogany table. It fit perfect on there after I sanded it down and everything. The wind feels cool out the windows. "If you open the correct windows you get an amazing cross breeze" she told me once. I've tried every single combination possible, but I'm yet to find the correct one. She was obviously lying at the time. Why so much fucking lying with everyone. You can't really trust anyone really. Making plans is such an easy thing to do, but you have to lie and make shit difficult. I have nothing good to say to you I guess. Remember the discussions on Cranes Beach about Lyme disease and getting lost in the woods. You ate so much that day I almost wanted to stop you from getting a greasy mouth. Greasy looking and messy lipstick so more words came pouring out. More complete bullshit. Why do I feel like I'm on the Johnny Carson show when I'm with you? I'm on the stand to answer your questions about myself. I thought y'all wanted us to be interested in you? You never gave me a chance to get to know you, because I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I'll call you Friday pick you up at 8:45pm.

“Loving Cup”
I swear I know how to open doors for you. You seem like…like you seem like someone that would enjoy my cooking. I’m still picturing a wave goodbye. I swear I will make phone calls to get to the bottom of this. I swear. I swear I would never swear at you. I can’t think of anything better I’d want to do. Hold on a minute, I think I should have stayed out longer and stronger tonight. This was no reason to come home. I have to tell you just how I feel I won’t share you with another boy. Let me tell you one thing, I’m not in this for the gold, or the ego. I’m not in this for selfishness. I’m not in this for a quick fix like a crack head on the corner in Atlantic City that I gave 49 cents to. I’m here so that I can drive you to New Mexico and talk about how beautiful the mountains are. But actually fuck the mountains, fuck the trees and sand castles and glass sculptures. Fuck all of that. Look at how you sit there full of content and smiles. Look at how I can’t keep my eyes off you. Swerving from lane to lane, because I am more interested in your eyes than where the road is leading us. I feel like this is the end of that road. Let me just park this car and we’ll get out and look at that together. Do you want to just look at me instead? Canyons come around every day. I need to get back into my car so I can swerve all over the place and hit you with myself. I won’t do that. I’m going to just go to bed, and hopefully I’ll know exactly what all of this is in the morning still.
“19th Nervous Breakdown”
I feel this need to stay up to avoid dreams now. I feel the need to stay up and try to fit in. I feel the need to burn things up. I’m the fool right now. There’s a song, well I’m not going to get into that right now. It’s a slow night at the bar. Only two redheads came in tonight. One was alone sitting at a table drinking wine looking at her watch. She got up at 11:20. I would gladly have chased her down and said “Yeah Hello, I’m lonely, what’s your name?”. I saw one two nights in a row. Guys tell me secrets immediately. Girls tell them months later. Guys have eyes. I hear so many secrets I feel like a soap opera writer. The redhead with the two night stand has awful fashion sense. Some sort of ”safari type” look to her. Some sort of catalog I wouldn’t want to look through. Some dude drinks punch bowls full of liquor and yellow stuff and gets hugs. Some guy who looks at women as I look at a piece of steak gets to draw pictures on the wall and trade brushes and eye contact. My phone ends up ringing all night because of earth signs and fire signs. I stare and glare into the table across the room and wonder what the hell is sitting in front of me. Oh wait, there’s nothing sitting in front of me but a candle and an ashtray. There’s no person in front of you, there’s an illusion of what you thought held the key. There’s no key anywhere you’re visiting though. There’s no girl there with a big shit eating grin on her face waiting to take you in. The guy that has the biggest collection of tales of debauchery and sloppy blow jobs from amateur girls from down the table gets the big fluffy pillow and the sun beams. The guy with all of the words, the best words gets to sit in bed. The guy with the responsibility and the brown eyes gets to eat alone and share a drink with the leather seat across from him. This guy gets to go home every night to nightmares and fantasy scenes and surreal Fellini dreams. I never tell anyone how loud my guitar is and how it’s a chick magnet. My guitar and rock and roll stays home. My guitar and rock and roll is not my selling point. I have a few more things to offer than songs tongue piercings and windmills guitar moves. I have this room that brings me out. I have these ideas in my head that need to get out. They’re not allowed to come out though. They get to stay in. Punished. Punished for taking the wrong turn. I don’t get any champagne and candle wax poured all over me tonight I get Miles Davis and a headache. The phone has been as quiet as a mouse on Christmas Eve. Ring hello. Yes, my head aches and my bones are broken now. What do you suggest?
“Sympathy for the Devil”
I am a naturally suspicious person. I am a nosey person, not anymore though. Now I try to not know anything. The whole truth and nothing but it always lets me down so I avoid it like the plague. The world though, they are nosey. Sometimes I set traps for them and they read about me in the newspaper about things I did, not knowing they are reading a comic book. A fictional novel. I don’t have evil bones inside me anymore. I have been looking for a warm living room for years now. Maybe a coffee table we can put our books on and fall asleep on the couch listening to records. This yellow living room though it’s warm and friendly late at night, no secrets floating in the air above anyone. No traps being set to test people. No ideas put into heads. The novel was in the romance section not espionage or mystery.

“Star Star”
This big building we walked into. This abandoned building with smashed out black windows. No bars on the windows. We walked through the litter and glass and found all sorts of artifacts that we collected in a cloth bag she had with her. I took her hand and brought her upstairs. “This is the cool area” It was scary as hell in there. Knowing some of the things that went on in there was pretty creepy indeed. At the top of the stairs we saw a ghost. I didn’t believe in ghosts, still don’t. I told her it was just a real human being, probably a homeless guy. We kept walking and saw another ghost, and yet another. One by one there were ghosts all around us. They apparently didn’t want us in their home. Hell, we kids had no business going in there. It was all my idea to take photos in there. Some sort of gothic photo shoot in an abandoned mental hospital. I told her if she wanted to leave she could leave. The stairs were on the left. She left and went to the car. I sat in this pitch-black room, as she took the flashlight with her. I sat in there until my eyes adjusted to the darkness in the room and I could make out writing on the wall and figures walking in front of me. I felt good. Not scared anymore. Nothing could scare me. I lay on the floor and waited for her to come and get me. For once in our relationship, I wanted her to rescue me. At nearly five in the morning I walked out to the car and started it up. She was sleeping under my jacket in the back seat. “Hi” she said to me through her cigarette stained throat. “Good morning then” I said to her. The drive home was pleasant. I played The Rolling Stones “Goat’s Head Soup” on the tape deck and she lightly snored in the back seat having nightmares about ghosts. The morning mist always looks so much better when you’ve seen ghosts the night before.

USA

I wrote this a little while back. Well about a month ago. I keep telling myself I'll put more stuff up in here so here is something.

US
I've been to 38 states now. Every one of them has a story, many stories really. Here are some of my favorites though. I'll do the rest of these later.

New Hampshire -

Sometimes it would be one of those hot evenings in the dead of August. Humid and hot. After becoming a professional driver to nowhere it was easy to throw together a small group for a brief trip over the border to play some video games and kick the sand around on the gravel. We did these all summer just to kill the time.

Maine -

One time we drove up to Maine. One of these small little towns on the ocean, fireworks out by the pier at night and fireworks leaning against a car. I was lying to my whole hometown about where I was spending the weekend. Thinking secrets like that actually mattered. Feelings for people had to be kept between two people and two people only. What a load of shit though. In the end the only thing that mattered was how you felt, not what anyone thought. The sun that weekend was hot and turned us red as angry spies back home. In the end though, nothing mattered. The last chapter of a brief novel that didn’t really end as it never really started.

Tennessee -

I got so fucked up here one night the sky turned to strawberries and lemonade. Arriving there at dusk in the middle of the summer so hot and thick the air. I spent more days than I needed to spend there. One too many Grateful Dead songs in my head making think there was something romantic about sitting in a Motel 6 between a Hooters and a Waffle House. What a sad lonely existence that often was. Without laptops and iPhones and cell phones and internets to keep you up at night what did I do? More television? How was I able to get into my head though? Writing with a pen in a book about girls hundreds of miles away I would never meet. Getting myself into places I didn’t need to be that late in the game, what a fool hundreds of days later as well.

Maryland -

Maryland in the snow. Maryland I hardly knew you. This brief stop on a long journey to where I am this week. Even before that era Maryland was always on the way to somewhere. Not necessarily in the physical sense.

Colorado -

At the far end of Colorado after a long day on the road that never seemed to end. Did I drive for 22 hours in a row? Not sure but when I checked into my wheelchair friendly room that night I went outside and smoked a joint, spoke to you on the phone and made you laugh, you made me laugh. I felt like just over a couple more mountains I would see you on fire in the sun. Maybe go to the ocean together for the first time. Bluer water than I was months before.

New Jersey -

Scared to leave the hotel room. Every fucking person out there is going to look at me and judge me. Every person is going to see right through to who I am. Can’t make phone calls and literally can’t get off the bed to open the door and see if it’s dark out yet. I spent money, money I probably stole from someone who deserved it more than I did. I spent money to be a scared little pussy, scared of people. Years later I realize they are all scared of me for whatever reason. Fuck.

Virginia -

I did really consider driving my car off of a mountain I swear to God. I mean I wouldn’t because I am a baby, but I thought about it. How would you feel hundreds of miles away from a good bed surrounded by thick air, rain and sunshine?

Illinois -

We spoke on the phone that day! Holy fuck was I in a bad way, I can’t recall any of that phone call or anything about that trip at this point. Meeting people for five minutes, sleeping about six hours over a four day period. I drank more coffee and smoked imaginary cigarettes in my head. I felt so strong though. Never worried about anything making me go back to killing myself for no reason. I dialed your number and then probably hung up. Up on this ledge in this old building in Chicago, a ledge overlooking rush hour men and women upset if you look at them. Staring down at them from this old marble staircase in the dark. Wondering who saw me and if they wondered who I was talking to. Oh man if they only knew!

Indiana -

fuck you. it gets so hot inside my head sometimes that I remember sprawling strip malls and corn fields, really bad white accents. people who believe in shit living in the sky or in the woods. people wearing straw hats and invisible swastikas and underwater cross burnings every Tuesday night at 11:00 behind the old green house on Old Red Barn Road, yeah out past the fence, just go back there and we’ll meet you. the password this week is “salmon”.

California -

High above the clouds where it’s dangerous to not pay attention to every moment of time. Where it’s dangerous to breathe I didn’t feel the least bit suffocated. Winding roads looking for a place to stop to watch below, across the two different worlds. Questionable castles and moody blue lighting hovering above that weird mist it was just like I expected it. I’d go back there every night if I could.

Utah -

Heyheymamasaidthewayyoumovegonnamakeyousweatgonnamakeyougroove.

Connecticut -

I created an intense web of lies while floating down the Long Island Sound out of Bridgeport, CT on my way to New York. A girlfriend who didn’t exist and her parents who didn’t exist in an a building in Manhattan that didn’t exist on the way to a day trip at Fire Island that never existed. My favorite moment of that weekend, driving over that bridge while listening to Steely Dan knowing I had to keep this lie going for another day or two. Misty night with the volume on the stereo perfect for me myself and I, perfect orange dots peppering the sky outside, perfect temperature even though it was a cold November night, perfect lie told to keep my life perfect for a few days, no harm done to anyone anywhere, but sometimes people don’t need to know how you really feel about them.

Kansas -

I saw you. You are a tall piece of shit with a goatee. The man of the house telling those bitches how it is going to be for the rest of the road trip. You have a goatee in the year 2009. You are yelling at teenage girls with this fire in your eyes. She fears you like the devil I see it your wife sees it everyone here sees it. You and your buddy Jesus and the sport of football can all suck my dick.

Massachusetts -

?

Ohio -

Like that person you don’t know. I don’t think I knew you well at all, I always thought I liked you better than I did. It was false though. I thought about you and realized the only reason I was thinking about you was because when I came to see you that one summer I stopped in Cleveland, failed miserably and kept moving as fast as I could. This must be why I tried so hard this last time to make you happy. Thank you for the upgrade high in the sky and the baseball game and museums and all that fun stuff I did by myself.

Arkansas -

I hate that feeling when you look back at something and realize you had no idea where you were. Even looking back a week, two weeks you discover something different that wasn’t there. You think way back though and all of a sudden it becomes clear that you had no idea what was to come. Like watching a video of someone walking backwards into a pool.

Pennsylvania -

Like children we all got together and played games. Watching grown men continue to play games though, wow. Never growing up. Here is another place I must have never looked back at because I can’t imagine what version of me was here putting up with dudes like you. Thank god only women leave an impression on me otherwise I’d never get anywhere.

New York -

Every summer I would drive up to Saratoga Springs, NY and see a concert by some hippie band whether it was someone related to the Grateful Dead or the Allman Brothers it didn’t matter. It was the only place and time I could ever escape this version of me back in Massachusetts. I wouldn’t escape this person again until August 3rd, 2009. I have not seen him around since. Good riddance.

Oklahoma -

Maybe the saddest day of my entire life took place at a train station way too early in the morning to think straight. Felt like I was hit in the stomach or someone removed my soul from my body and replaced it with a new one and I needed to just finish a few more tasks until the new one started working.

Nevada -

Drunk dialing, wasting money I had to waste. What a disgusting state. Not a good thing about it, when I think about Nevada I think of a dark yellow and heat nobody in their right mind would want to live in. Like a giant yellow and brown state with a colorful area of neon in the heart of it pumping out loser after loser back to their shitty existences.

Georgia -

Like being at a crossroads. Every time I think of this place, I’ve only ever been to the airport there. Every single person there is black. Every person who works there, every cop, every security person, every person in a store, every traveller, they are all as black as night. I always seem to arrive there in the middle of the night, early in the morning. Those quiet floor cleaning machines humming along with a guy up for six hours already dragging it around making perfect lines. Guy has already earned his wife’s entree for Saturday night’s inevitable night out on the town. Me, I’m looking for that smoking area hoping someone in there has a match. Those fucking terrorists. The only think I am bummed out about from September 11th is it made it harder to bring cigarette lighters on airplanes. Every time I was in that Atlanta airport and couldn’t get a light, like clockwork I would say to myself “never forget”.

North Carolina -

Crickets and whatever else those creatures are that make all that racket at night. They are my enemies and my good friends. They keep you awake in their ninja hiding spaces deep under bushes and rocks. In North Carolina, August of 1998. My first real experience with the kind of heat that lets you know why people down south are so different. Why they are so slot, and why they sound like they are missing some brain cells. I saw the Liberty Bell made out of tobacco leaves.

Rhode Island -

Where you go when Massachusetts doesn’t have exactly what you’re looking for. Why not try a smaller uglier version of Massachusetts? I saw so many amazing concerts in Rhode Island though. The night we went to see Fugazi and my friend Jon and I left our younger friend at the show and went down the road for the Bob Mould acoustic show which was more up to our “old guy” speed. Standing in front of the Providence Civic Center freezing your ass off to go in and have your ass handed to you while surrounded by hippies. Sepultura, Clutch, Fear Factory and Fudge Tunnel all on one bill, what? Iceburn and Engine Kid in a half full club. Playing a show to a full huge Living Room on Martin Luther King Day with my first band along with Youth of Today and 24-7 Spyz. Having Mike Dean from Corrosion of Comformity vomit two feet away from you and not miss a note. Parliament-Funkadelic playing marathon four hour shows. The list goes on. There was never any other reason to go to Rhode Island than to see music. There is a good chance I will never go to Rhode Island again and I am completely okay with this.

Vermont -

I woke up in the back of a large Italian guy car on a ski mountain in the middle of July. Cock blocked the night before x 1,000 but I wouldn’t have gotten anything anyway. I respected you and everything about you. About the only bad thing about you was you lived far away from me socially. It’s funny that I hear from you now and you are exactly where I thought you would have been and I’m still some dude hanging out in cars all hours of the night.


West Virginia -

Almost there. With signs along the highways advertising your empty headed ideals and churches full of believers it was not even a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there. It was a get me the fuck out of this place everyone here is an idiot. Crosses on top of hills, stores run by women who looked at you like you were some sort of outsider that had no business being around (true!). A disgusting place to be. There is no mountain high enough, no tree green enough to make up for the amount of shit that breathes here.

Iowa -

I never think about the time spent with her as a waste of time. We took this long train ride across the country and when we arrived in Iowa you finally told me you loved me. Months of me telling you “I love you” and you just nodding your head. This was a hard reality to deal with and I believe you did indeed love me all that time you just didn’t know how to say it; you had never said it to anyone at that point. We had great times even though we were exclusive for a little over a year and you never let mw go all the way to the end with you. This was my first big test of strength. Most men in their 20’s need that stuff at all times. With you I needed someone to laugh at my jokes and someone to look pretty for the camera when someone saw us together and wanted to snap a picture. My next test of strength would also be on a train seventeen years later. Wait, seventeen years later sounds awful. Wow.

Kentucky -

People here think they will die and go to Heaven. Aside from green there is nothing interesting happening here.

Nebraska -

Train conductor was this tall imposing man with a classic 1930’s black and white horror movie face, he stood with us smoking cigarettes on our brief stop in the middle of Who Knows Where, Nebraska. It was late at night, probably well past 2:00 AM, that time when most normal people are sleeping. I love this time of night, even this long ago I felt most relaxed at this hour. Even when I was working a 9-5 job I couldn’t be a sucker for the watch the news at 11:00 and maybe a little Letterman and fade into sleep. I could and still can run on three or four hours of sleep. After a few days on the train sleeping an hour here, and an hour there these late nights would become more surreal as you went along. Standing out on the platform with this conductor who was friendly enough, but also short and to the point when talking to you, was surreal. He had that creepy appearance, it was a misty quiet late night. I inhaled the fresh air of Nebraska followed by breaths of whatever type of cigarettes I was smoking at the time. The light from the lamps around the station was fuzzy like dandelions. Juxtaposed with this old man’s face that was hard to look at was a surreal moment that will be etched in my head forever. For some reason I thought moments like this would exist on all future train rides. My last ride, a test of patience, heartbreak and more sleep deprivation than I have ever put myself through did not have any surreal moments like this one. The surreal moments came in the form of staring out at the never ending sky scared shitless about what would happen next. Lights leaving blue and green spots in my eyes with trails as long as the day. Seeing things outside that weren’t there. Hearing things that weren’t there. Feeling things that weren’t there. I wouldn’t wish my life in early July 2009 on anyone.


Texas -

Like being on the run from some hideously scary animal running after my car at top speed I made my way across the pan handle section as fast as I legally could. I had just had a run in with the law in Oklahoma City, a nice enough policeman, a scared out of his head stoned man hoping the trunk is never opened, only to have my worst fears realized. After being scared more than I ever have, I got back in the car “he didn’t find it”, and drove west, more west and more west and more west until I reached this flat grey area of hotels and restaurants and strip malls. A depressingly gross amalgam of everything shitty you think about when you think about Texas mixed with a frustrated, mentally exhausted me I found an easy and cheap hotel room. Upon entering, greeted by a trio of bugs the size of my fist, u-turn back to the Middle Eastern manager at the counter. An hour later I am at a more expensive hotel overlooking a swimming pool, no fist sized bugs to be found. Next morning, like a bat out of hell I left Texas and everything around it behind.

Delaware -

So long ago I can’t even remember who I was with but arriving here late at night in a less than desirable neighborhood to sleep in an even less desirable motel room. I’ve spent a few hours at a time in this state and it may be be my least favorite state.

Arizona -

I hate taking photographs. I will drive and drive and drive by places until my eyes and brain are filled with awesome things I will remember forever and not share them with anyone because nobody ever understands some of the things I see with my eyes when i am nowhere. Pictures don’t do a thing.

Florida -

As a kid I spent a lot of time just sitting around thinking about things. Much like I have been doing in my adult life. Lately I’ve been getting back to this, since early this year I have spent hours at a time sitting on the couch staring at the floor, the ceiling or a TV set that hasn’t been turned on. Where I am right now, I may spend too much time thinking about things. I spend too much time dwelling on shit. I spend too much time looking backwards for no good reason. I think back to drugs when i was very young. Drugs around me, not drugs I was doing. I think about relationships and how little they meant yet how much time I spent trying to make them seem important. Nowadays, after years of failed relationship after failed relationship I still have ideas for what a good relationship consists of. I feel it when I am in it. There is obviously no such thing as a perfect one, but you can have a series of good ones, an important one. Important ones can end bad or end amicable, it doesn’t matter. When you look back on it if the good outweighed the bad than it was a good thing. People spend too much time concentrating on the negative and holding grudges forever. I don’t have this in me, not even a little bit. I do know I can feel like shit every other day in a relationship because of old personalities of mine coming back to haunt me. I try to learn from my this stuff and move on though. Was it worth it to have a specific shitty feeling overcome my whole life for three hours while rolling around in bed trying to not go to sleep. I have had insomnia for well over a year now, half of it was being in bed ready for sleep and wheezing and coughing myself into this paranoid “I think I’m going to have a heart attack any second now” moment of panic. Other pieces of it was lulling myself to sleep thinking about this perfect moment with this perfect girl just out of my grasp. I went to Florida once in my life, we went to Disney World when I was real young. I don’t remember any of it other than some of the pictures I have seen. I wish there were events of the last fifteen years of so I could remember, most of it got washed away in a haze of lack of oxygen to the brain and spending too much time dwelling on current events. I never got to savor any of the fond moments from these years, everything wasn’t bad like I thought it was, I just couldn’t remember it.



New Mexico -

A good amount of the time I can’t breathe on my own. Well, that was then this is now.

Sidewalk meal

Tonight we tried one of the Kogi BBQ truck that drives around the LA area. You can follow the trucks on Twitter for real time updates (generally if they are running late), but the regular website also lists the locations of where they will be for the week.

After a late "lunch" today the plan to eat at the truck, which would be in North Hollywood from 10:30 PM to 1:00 AM was perfect. The fact that I had Mexican food for lunch was not the best "previous meal" to have sitting in my stomach, but whatever. We've been trying to hit up some newer places that aren't big fast food chains, or are in areas we haven't ventured to before and after being here a little bit over a week, all of them have been hits.

We got there right at 10:30 and there was a line at the truck of about thirty people. The total wait time until we finally sat down (on the sidewalk) and ate was about fifty minutes which went by relatively quick. Rather than try one thing and then wait until whenever the next time will be, we decided to just get a whole bunch of stuff. I got three tacos (Korean short ribs, spicy pork, and spicy chicken) as well as "shooters" (little mini "burgers" that I believe were just the Korean short ribs on a bun with all the fixins on the tacos as well some mighty tangy/spicy sauce). My friend Noel got a chicken quesadilla and tacos as well and we shared the four items. The quesadilla was also amazing, with a spicy red sauce on top of it as well as sesame seeds. We seemed to eat all of this within about twelve minutes and were both full, but not gross full.

I would definitely hit one of these up again. It's a cool experience and worth the wait even if it does feel absurd standing in line at a truck parked in front of a bar. The only complaint I had was the exhaust from the truck or maybe generator while we stood in line.

Bostin Mass is the Rippinist Town

Burbank Italian pizza place called Northend Pizzeria. Northend is apparently one word out here, hey man, whatever, it's cool.



----------------
Now playing: Harvey Milk - I've Got a Love
via FoxyTunes

Roscoe's

Tonight we hit up Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles off of Sunset and it was fucking d-lish-iss. A little confusion ordering had my friend Noel get something she didn't think she ordered, but we still ate just about everything on our plates. Fried chicken, fresh home made french fries, mac and cheese, waffles. Sounds like a weird combo, but it was great. The chicken and waffles and syrup work together. The chicken was tasty, fried perfectly, not spicy or extra crunchy or anything like that, home cooking style fried chicken, the way it should be eaten. I can't wait to go back and try some of the other things on the menu.

Night out

Last night I made it out to my first show out here in Los Angeles as a resident. I've seen shows here and there as a visitor. The club was called Spaceland in the Silver Lake are of Los Angeles. It's right near Dodger Stadium. The Dodgers were out of town, so it was a quick 30 minute drive over there. I'm still getting used to the highways here; even though I've driven them many times it's still a shockingly huge difference than they are back east. Seems like everyone goes about 75 mph, habitually switching lanes back and forth for no particular reason. It takes a little getting used to, but I think the Massachusetts experience has hardened me into having just a big of a "fuck you I'm from Boston" attitude on the road. That mixed with respect for the rules here as some of them people actually follow, like my favorite: people don't cut you off turning left at red lights, they wait until everyone going forward is past. Even the most obnoxious looking douche in the BMW will wait their turn. A far cry from Massachusetts where every dickhead in a Patriots jacket can't wait the four or five seconds to turn and has to disrupt the flow of traffic. So there are good and bad things about driving here. Driving home was also a breeze, I didn't even make it through to the end of Torche's Meanderthal album which is a brief thirty-six minutes.

I got to the club far too early, and parking was non-existent, until I noticed a valet parking guy for the club which was a pretty awesome little perk. The club was pretty cool, small, maybe comparable to TT the Bears. There was a smoking area which was cool, if you're a smoker (!). Going to club shows by myself in Boston was never a big deal, and I go to huge concerts by myself all the time, but going to a club one seemed a little more daunting. There was nobody there when I walked in, and at the end of the night there were maybe thirty people there.

The first band were billed as a "disco-punk" band and apparently ex-members of something else, who knows. I originally cringed at this description, but they turned out to have a cool little Gang of Four vibe going. A guitar player, a drummer with a laptop that played beats and some noise and then an instrumentless singer. They were easily the best of the three openers. They played a brief 15 minute set. I would definitely go see them again.

The second band, Protect Me didn't really do it for me. A two piece (bass and drums) noisy mess that sounded like they may have done all their homework and practiced but hadn't mastered their instruments and how to make them sound good. The ideas were there, but execution was "meh". I think they were underage, as they looked like they were both about sixteen.

Next up were another two piece band (what the fuck is with this trend? What happened to the good old days of the Allman Brothers, Lynyrd Skynyrd and Earth, Wind and Fire where there were like sixteen people on stage!) from Brooklyn who were traveling with headliners Screaming Females called Shellshag. They didn't really do anything for me either: a guy playing a Stratocaster and a woman playing drums standing up with bells all over her. People seemed to dig them and they had plenty of energy and a cool little thing going, but in the end when they said they were from Brooklyn I thought to myself "no shit, no wonder that was not enjoyable". Only good band to ever come out of Brooklyn was Biohazard. Ha, take that weird hipster two piece band!

I saw Screaming Females a while back in Boston with Throwing Muses, and frankly they blew TM off the stage. What initially sounded like just another indie rock band with a girl screaming turned out to be a different beast all together. Elements of funk and heavy metal but not funkmetal and straight up rock, and even a couple moments that (most likely unintentionally) sounded like Rudimentary Peni to these ears.

Your initial thoughts when you first see this band are the make up of the band, a really tall bass player, and a really short female guitar player. Maybe 5'2"? Last night she wore a long Victorian looking dress, has short hair and the guitar is almost as big as her. She's not traditionally pretty, but I easily developed a crush on her after the first time I saw them and I went and found videos online. If anything though, the crush was more on her stage presence and her guitar playing. It would be easy to fall into the old "wow she is great...for a girl", but it's beyond that. She smokes most male guitar players I have seen (at least in club settings). Listening to them you'll initially think they're just a really tight indie rock band with a chick singer and then all of a sudden, BOOM she'll play a fill or solo that drops your jaw. There was a guy in the front row who literally had his mouth open the whole time last night. When I first saw them it was in a packed club from the back so I was pretty excited to be able to be right at the foot of the stage for last night. Her vocals go back and forth from Bikini Kill/Sleater-Kinney style to guttural screams, all the while playing an intricate lead pattern on the guitar, not just strummed chords. Last night they played for maybe 40 minutes and it was great. I felt like I was seeing something special because of the size of the crowd and just how well the band present themselves. From the way she dressed and carries herself on stage to the tightness of the rhythm section they are the real deal. They apparently played some shows with Jack White's band recently and I'm sure the crowd loved them. Here's hoping they go on to bigger things than last night. LA must have been busy doing something else last night as it was a shame they played to such a small crowd.

I captured some video of the show on my iPhone. The sound is horrible but...the picture is good.

Estimated Prophet

I don't think I would ever drive across the country again. If I did it would have to be either with someone I was very close with who shared some of the driving duties, or if I was getting paid to do it.

I'm a stickler for keeping stats on things. Here are some numbers:

I drove 3,268 miles. From my driveway in Massachusetts to where I am in southern California now. For the first few days part, the drives got progressively longer:

Day 1: 206 miles (Woburn, MA to Amsterdam, NY)
Day 2: 446 miles (Amsterdam, NY to Cleveland, OH)
Day 3: 500 miles (Cleveland OH to Terra Haute, IN)
Day 4: 535 miles (Terra Haute, IN to Salina, KS)
Day 5: 704 miles (Salina, KS to Fruita, CO)
Day 6: 514 miles (Fruita, CO to Las Vegas, NV)
Day 7: 363 miles (Las Vegas, NV to Granada Hills, CA)

The best drive was probably day 6 which was from Fruita, CO to Las Vegas. That is where I hit Utah which was beautiful and obviously the Colorado trip through the mountains was intense, but it was also the tail end of day 6 which started in Kansas and ended in Fruita, CO.

I listened to 540 different songs, some of them multiple times.

I smoked 0 cigarettes.

I smoked 5 joints.

I killed “alot” of bugs

I don’t remember where I left off on my last entry, I think it was the night before Day 5. Or who knows, it doesn’t matter. I started getting to a point where being by myself was fun and all but I just wanted the trip to end. So I took the long ride from Salinas, Kansas to Fruita, Colorado, which is just outside of Grand Junction. The first half of the ride was completely flat. I got to Denver, ate dinner and decided to drive a little bit through the mountains, and maybe stop after an hour or so. My car barely made it up and down in those altitudes. After a while it drove fine but I was getting nervous and decided to lay of any marijuana I had for the night as it was kind of a treacherous drive; winding up and down 7% grade roads, snaking through narrow canyons, and once the sun went down and I realized I had been driving for close to 9 hours (or at least “out”), and wanted to push myself for a few more hours, or until I got real close to Grand Junction. I thankfully never grew tired on this part of the day, as I did earlier during the flat parts of Kansas and the first couple hours in Colorado.

I check into my hotel, and as was identifying me on the whole trip, my Red Sox hat and Massachusetts license, the guy at the counter asked where I was coming from or going. I told him I was moving from Boston to Los Angeles. He replies, “ah, from a cool city to a crappy city”. I ignored this useless troll working at the hotel desk in a place called fucking Fruita, Colorado and made my way down to my handicapped room.

Aside from people like this guy, and various gas station employees, etc, I didn’t really meet a single person. I didn’t need to. I generally don’t care much about what people’s opinions are and that kind of thing. As much as I come of as cynical from time to time about people, in the long run I don’t really care. After spending all this time in the middle of the country though these “salt of the earth”, “real Americans” just grew tired to me. Their accents echoing in my head when I fell asleep at night. They make eye contact with you and generally always say hello or whatever which is a lot different than on the coasts where everyone just ignores you. But you get this sense that under their breath they are like “Look at this faggot”, or “This guy from up north, yada yada yada”. Then you start getting deeper into like Missouri, which to me is a truly frightening mix of religious/gun zealots that probably have no idea what the word zealot means, and then just poor people who look at you like they want to stab you because you’re from a different place. As much as you feel welcomed at around places like this, there is that underlying racism that’s still there, and people who feel like it’s real important that they own a gun because there are bad people out there that are gonna get them. Zombies who watch too much television, or listen to politicians convincing them that terrorists are on their way here this very moment. These are the people that vote for people like George Bush twice in a row. He didn’t steal an election, there are just millions of these fucking people living in this country. Now they want you think they are truly concerned about health care when in reality they are frustrated crackers who probably got laid off, and when it gets down to it they are seriously concerned that the president is no longer a good old boy like them. He’s a black man. Can you imagine if the president we elected was as dark as say Wesley Snipes or Seal? He would have been assassinated on January 21st. People who literally think there is a guy in the sky who created the earth and when they die they are going to go to heaven and people like me are going to burn in hell for eternity. People who think prayer in school is an important issue. In other words, idiots. The lowest common denominator people you can think of. These are people I dealt with for four or five days.

Ending in Las Vegas was no better. A place that was so gross and disgusting, I just had to indulge myself in it a little by getting drunk, gambling and eating shitty food. If I were a lower man I probably would have ordered a girl from one of those cards they hand you out on the street advertising “$35 special!”, etc. I hadn’t been drunk since maybe 2000 or 2001, and didn’t get out of control drunk but enough that I started getting angry at what was around me. Gross men with the spiked hair, those long sleeve shirts with the big collars or Ed Hardy gear. Girls dressed like they were going to a cocktail party with the emphasis on the first four letters of that word. Sure I love a good slutty looking woman from time to time to walk by me, but this was a constant stream of sadness and hopelessness. At one point I walked by a nightclub inside the MGM Grand ,where I stayed and two guys were yelling at some girl to “get over here right now” in front of hundreds of people; like she was a dog or something. That’s when I made my way back to my room to hopefully sleep and get out as soon as I woke up.

The drive to Los Angeles was a bit tiring. I stopped at the Hoover Dam, which was like a ninety minute ordeal. It was worth seeing as the place is huge and I’m definitely glad I saw it even if I was only there for maybe thirty minutes. After that though, the drive through that desert was so hot. You would open the window and it would feel like you were sticking your hand in an oven. I arrived here a little after 6PM and that was that. The end, etc.

As much as I say i wouldn’t do the trip again, I’m sure I would. This was my second time doing it by myself, and with all of the other trips I’ve done by myself in the last 15 years or so I’ve easily logged at least 10,000 miles of being in a car alone for extended periods of time. This time it was a little different. I was leaving home, leaving all of my friends and family on an improvised trip to start an improvised life out here where I still don’t know what will happen. I wouldn’t have it any other way though. I had an amazing sendoff weekend with my friends and family between my band’s last show and the cookout with a small group of my closest friends the night before the show. Going from having all of those people around me weekly to not having them around me and just having them on the internet and phone is going to be hard, but I think I made the right decision. Even two days in I feel comfortable saying this.

Did I mention I hate being hot though?

Every song I listened to:

Hold On Loosely .38 Special
Caught up in You .38 Special
Night Of The Long Knives AC/DC
Have A Drink On Me AC/DC
Put The Finger On You AC/DC
Amoeba Adolescents
Lord Of The Thighs Aerosmith
Walk This Way Aerosmith
Won't Be Hanging Around Albert King
Rain When I Die Alice In Chains
H8 Red Anthrax
Lone Justice Anthrax
S.S.C./Stand Or Fall Anthrax
Blood Anthrax
Imitation Of Life Anthrax
Hired Gun Bad Brains
Secret 77 Bad Brains
My Daddy Rocks Me - Part II Bechet, Sidney
I'm Just Wild About Harry Bechet, Sidney
Feed The Tree Belly
Angel Belly
You're No Good Betty Everett
The Sign Of The Southern Cross Black Sabbath
Burnin' For You Blue Öyster Cult
Chase Brown, James
My Thang Brown, James
These Foolish Things Remind Me Of You Brown, James
"I Can't Stand It ""76"" Brown, James
Staples Buffalo Tom
Velvet Roof Buffalo Tom
Center Of The Universe Built To Spill
Else Built To Spill
Little Tiny Pieces Bullet LaVolta
I Don't See You Camper Van Beethoven
Where The Hell Is Bill? Camper Van Beethoven
Folly Camper Van Beethoven
I'll Be With You Tonight Cheap Trick
Dream Police Cheap Trick
Letter Bomb Circle Jerks
Roll It Over Clapton, Eric
Can't Find My Way Home Clapton, Eric
After Midnight Clapton, Eric
Key To The Highway Clapton, Eric
Let It Rain Clapton, Eric
Animal Farm Clutch
Texan Book Of The Dead Clutch
Big Fat Pig Clutch
Milk of Human Kindness Clutch
Big News I Clutch
Droid Clutch
Ta-De-Ah Cole, Nat 'King'
On the Sunny Side of the Street Cole, Nat 'King'
Sometimes I'm Happy Cole, Nat 'King'
Sweet Lorraine Cole, Nat 'King'
Caravan Cole, Nat 'King'
(Get Your Kicks On) Route 66 Cole, Nat 'King'
You're Looking At Me Cole, Nat 'King'
Just You, Just Me Cole, Nat 'King'
These Foolish Things Remind Me Of You Cole, Nat 'King'
The Lonely One Cole, Nat 'King'
The Song Is Ended (But the Melody Lingers On) Cole, Nat 'King'
Don't Let It Go To Your Head Cole, Nat 'King'
Population Control Company Flow
To The Lions Converge
Hellbound Converge
Last Light Converge
White Room Cream
Tales Of Brave Ulysses Cream
Seekers Of The Truth Cro-Mags
Signs Of The Times Cro-Mags
Hand on the Pump Cypress Hill
No Moms D.I.
Spiritual Law D.I.
Rock And Roll Part II D.I.
Johnny's Got A Problem D.I.
Reaganomics D.R.I.
Violent Pacification D.R.I.
Capatalist Suck D.R.I.
Thin Line Dag Nasty
Field Day Dag Nasty
What Now? Dag Nasty
Justification [Live] Dag Nasty
Dear Mrs. Touma Dag Nasty
Ah-Leu-Cha Davis, Miles
It Never Entered My Mind Davis, Miles
On Green Dolphin Street Davis, Miles
On Green Dolphin Street Davis, Miles
I Thought About You Davis, Miles
Ghetto Thang De La Soul
A Little Bit of Soap De La Soul
Black Night (Original Single Version) Deep Purple
Comin' Home Deep Purple
Maybe I'm a Leo Deep Purple
Highway Star Deep Purple
I Need Love Deep Purple
Little Wing Derek & The Dominos
Keep On Growing Derek & The Dominos
Bell Bottom Blues Derek & The Dominos
The May 4th Movement Starring Doodlebug Digable Planets
Escapism (Gettin' Free) Digable Planets
Rebirth Of Slick (Cool Like Dat) Digable Planets
I Want You To Know Dinosaur Jr.
Once Upon A Time In The West Dire Straits
Breakin My Stones Dirty Truckers
Long Train Runnin' Doobie Brothers
Still D.R.E. Dr. Dre
Some L.A. Niggaz Dr. Dre
"Nuthin' But A ""G"" Thang" Dr. Dre
Foosh Duke, George
Psychocomatic Dung Duke, George
Sweet Bite Duke, George
Solus Duke, George
North Beach Duke, George
Sometime Ago Duke, George
That's What She Said Duke, George
So There You Go Duke, George
Opening Duke, George
Rashid Duke, George
For Love (I Come Your Friend) Duke, George
Stuck Inside Of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again Dylan, Bob
Pledging My Time Dylan, Bob
New Morning Dylan, Bob
Visions Of Johanna Dylan, Bob
It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding) Dylan, Bob
Queen Jane Approximately Dylan, Bob
Guitar Rhumba Earl Hooker
Bonin' In The Boneyard Fishbone
Ma And Pa Fishbone
Servitude Fishbone
Sunless Saturday Fishbone
If I Were A... I'd Fishbone
End The Reign Fishbone
Ghetto Soundwave Fishbone
Fight The Youth Fishbone
Another Generation Fishbone
Feels Like the First Time Foreigner
Baby I Owe You Something Good Funkadelic
Can't Stop The Strain Funkadelic
Sexy Ways Funkadelic
Alice In My Fantasies Funkadelic
Cats Under The Stars Garcia, Jerry
Stop That Train Garcia, Jerry
Think Garcia, Jerry
Liquid Swords Genius/GZA
Corcovado (Quiet Nights) Getz, Stan
Estimated Prophet Grateful Dead
Crazy Fingers Grateful Dead
Bird Song Grateful Dead
Brokedown Palace Grateful Dead
Touch Of Grey Grateful Dead
Truckin' Grateful Dead
Eyes of the World Grateful Dead
Loser Grateful Dead
Brown-Eyed Women Grateful Dead
It Must Have Been The Roses Grateful Dead
Me & Bobby McGee Grateful Dead
Been All Around This World Grateful Dead
China Cat Sunflower Grateful Dead
Bertha Grateful Dead
Let's Stay Together Green, Al
Knock 'Em Flyin' Guided By Voices
They're Not Witches Guided By Voices
Office Of Hearts Guided By Voices
Tractor Rape Chain Guided By Voices
I Am Produced Guided By Voices
Watch Me Jumpstart Guided By Voices
Little Whirl Guided By Voices
EXP Hendrix, Jimi
Little Wing Hendrix, Jimi
Freedom Hendrix, Jimi
You Got Me Floatin' Hendrix, Jimi
Bold As Love Hendrix, Jimi
Castles Made Of Sand Hendrix, Jimi
How can hypermiling save you gas? HowStuffWorks.com
Are stupid people happier? HowStuffWorks.com
Is it possible to brainwash someone? HowStuffWorks.com
Laughing At Oblivion Into Another
Sundial Intronaut
Back In The Village Iron Maiden
Gentle Time ISIS
Celestial (The Tower) ISIS
Struttin' With My Baby J. Geils Band
One Last Kiss J. Geils Band
Back To Get Ya J. Geils Band
Must Of Got Lost J. Geils Band
Beat Crazy Jackson, Joe
Motorist Jawbox
I Just Wanna Love U (Give It 2 Me) Jay-Z
Nigga What Nigga Who (Originator '99) Jay-Z
Lights Journey
Peachfuzz KMD
Gasface Refill [*] KMD
Mine Lake Trout
-> Lake Trout
Sounds From Below Lake Trout
Holding Lake Trout
Dancing Days Led Zeppelin
The Ocean Led Zeppelin
No Puedo Mas Los Lobos
maricela Los Lobos
Malaqu Los Lobos
The City Los Lobos
volver,volver Los Lobos
What's Your Name Lynyrd Skynyrd
Gimme Three Steps Lynyrd Skynyrd
Quintessence Mastodon
Blood and Thunder Mastodon
Ghost Of Karelia Mastodon
The Czar: I. Usurper II. Escape III. Martyr IV. Spiral Mastodon
Divinations Mastodon
Oblivion Mastodon
Hand Of Stone Mastodon
Sleeping Giant Mastodon
Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues McLusky
Alan Is A Cowboy Killer McLusky
Chases McLusky
Whoyouknow McLusky
Dethink To Survive McLusky
There Ain't No Fool In Ferguson McLusky
She Will Only Bring You Happiness McLusky
Walk Back Medeski, Martin & Wood
Wonton Medeski, Martin & Wood
Undone Medeski, Martin & Wood
Kota Medeski, Martin & Wood
Satan Your Kingdom Must Come Down Medeski, Martin & Wood
Chantes des femmes Medeski, Martin & Wood
Filler Minor Threat
That's When I Reach For My Revolver Mission Of Burma
All World Cowboy Romance Mission Of Burma
Academy Fight Song Mission Of Burma
Outlaw Mission Of Burma
Fame And Fortune Mission Of Burma
Nebraska moe.
Head moe.
Kyle's Song moe.
Tea for Two Monk, Thelonious
Spine of God Monster Magnet
Blow 'Em Off Monster Magnet
I Control, I Fly Monster Magnet
Dinosaur Vacume Monster Magnet
Pill Shovel Monster Magnet
Twin Earth Monster Magnet
Look To Your Orb For The Warning Monster Magnet
Stone Dead Forever Motörhead
Rocking Chairs And Shotguns Mouth Of The Architect
Almost Certain/Drone Moving Targets
Awesome Sky Moving Targets
Always Calling Moving Targets
Lead Song Negative Approach
Friend Or Foe Negative Approach
End Of The Harvest Neurosis
Times Of Grace Neurosis
Closer Nine Inch Nails
F*ck Y'all Ol' Dirty Bastard
Veracity, Tenacity And Aspirin Only Living Witness
Believer Osbourne, Ozzy
You Can't Kill Rock And Roll Osbourne, Ozzy
Stompin' At The Savoy Pepper, Art
What Is This Thing Called Love Pepper, Art
Bewitched, Bothered And Bewildered Pepper, Art
Sample In A Jar Phish
Bouncing Around The Room Phish
Fluffhead Phish
Tweezer Phish
Ocelot Phish
Golgi Apparatus Phish
Free Phish
Limb By Limb Phish
Fearless Pink Floyd
Run Like Hell Pink Floyd
Painkiller Poison Idea
Alan's On Fire Poison Idea
Last One Poison Idea
1994 Quasimoto
Rappcats Pt. 3 Quasimoto
Mr. Two-Faced Quasimoto
Discipline 99 Pt. 0 Quasimoto
Bad Character Quasimoto
Put A Curse On You Quasimoto
Goodmorning Sunshine Quasimoto
Raw Addict Pt. 2 Quasimoto
Axe Puzzles Quasimoto
Dragon Attack Queen
Play The Game Queen
Play The Game Queen
In The Fade Queens Of The Stone Age
Lost Art Of Keeping A Secret Queens Of The Stone Age
Better Living Through Chemistry Queens Of The Stone Age
Talk About The Passion R.E.M.
Endgame R.E.M.
New Orleans Instrumental No. 1 R.E.M.
Radio Free Europe R.E.M.
Let Me In R.E.M.
Airbag Radiohead
I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend Ramones
Blitzkrieg Bop Ramones
Mama's Boy RAMONES
Time Is the Best Revenge Raw Radar War
My Friends Red Hot Chili Peppers
Aeroplane Red Hot Chili Peppers
Taste the Pain Red Hot Chili Peppers
Good Time Boys Red Hot Chili Peppers
Scar Tissue Red Hot Chili Peppers
Hollywood (Africa) Red Hot Chili Peppers
Out In L.A. Red Hot Chili Peppers
Breaking The Girl Red Hot Chili Peppers
Subway To Venus Red Hot Chili Peppers
St. Louis Blues Reinhardt, Django
Time On My Hands Reinhardt, Django
Fly By Night Ritenour, Lee
Tom Sawyer Rush
Broon's Bane Rush
Freewill Rush
New World Man Rush
Trees Rush
The Analog Kid Rush
Chemistry Rush
Between The Wheels Rush
La Villa Strangiato Rush
Red Sector A Rush
I Think I'm Going Bald Rush
Milk S.O.D.
Formaldehead Sam Black Church
Rhinoceros Smashing Pumpkins
Drown Smashing Pumpkins
Mayonaise Smashing Pumpkins
Mommy's Little Monster Social Distortion
Teen Age Riot Sonic Youth
Problems Faced When Travelling Soul Side
Name In Mind Soul Side
War Soul Side
Atlantic City Springsteen, Bruce
Highway Patrolman Springsteen, Bruce
Atlantic City Springsteen, Bruce
Nebraska Springsteen, Bruce
Johnny 99 Springsteen, Bruce
Spirit In The Night Springsteen, Bruce
Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out Springsteen, Bruce
Open All Night Springsteen, Bruce
Tenth Avenue Freeze Out Springsteen, Bruce
Don't Take Me Alive Steely Dan
Everything You Did Steely Dan
Haitian Divorce Steely Dan
Sign In Stranger Steely Dan
Kid Charlemagne Steely Dan
Green Earrings Steely Dan
The Caves Of Altamira Steely Dan
The Royal Scam Steely Dan
The Fez Steely Dan
Home At Last Steely Dan
Babylon Sisters Steely Dan
Aja Steely Dan
Blues Beach Steely Dan
Reelin' In The Years (Live) Steely Dan
Do It Again Steely Dan
Black Cow Steely Dan
Bodhisattva Steely Dan
Any Major Dude Will Tell You Steely Dan
Lunch With Gina Steely Dan
True Companion Steely Dan
Black Cow Steely Dan
Deacon Blues Steely Dan
Night By Night Steely Dan
Green Earrings Steely Dan
FM Steely Dan
Dirty Work Steely Dan
My Old School Steely Dan
Kid Charlemagne (Live) Steely Dan
The Logical Song Supertramp
Duel Swervedriver
Rave Down Swervedriver
Last Train To Satansville Swervedriver
Midnight Rider The Allman Brothers Band
Ain't Wastin' Time No More The Allman Brothers Band
Melissa The Allman Brothers Band
Ramblin' Man The Allman Brothers Band
Back Where It All Begins The Allman Brothers Band
One Way Out The Allman Brothers Band
Blue Sky The Allman Brothers Band
End Of The Line The Allman Brothers Band
You Don't Love Me The Allman Brothers Band
Blue Sky The Allman Brothers Band
Southbound The Allman Brothers Band
Trouble No More The Allman Brothers Band
Sail on Sailor The Beach Boys
Sloop John B The Beach Boys
You Still Believe in Me The Beach Boys
That's Not Me The Beach Boys
You Know My Name (Look up the Number) The Beatles
Dear Prudence The Beatles
Rocky Racoon The Beatles
Happiness Is A Warm Gun The Beatles
Hey Jude The Beatles
While My Guitar Gently Weeps The Beatles
Piggies The Beatles
She Sells Sanctuary The Cult
Love Removal Machine The Cult
The Big Neon Glitter The Cult
Electric Ocean The Cult
Inbetween Days The Cure
Colin's Heroes The Dambuilders
Shrine The Dambuilders
L.A. Woman The Doors
Love Her Madly The Doors
Heartache Tonight The Eagles
Peaceful Easy Feeling The Eagles
Already Gone The Eagles
In the City The Eagles
On The Border The Eagles
End Of The Party The English Beat
Save It For Later The English Beat
Ackee 123 The English Beat
Mirror In The Bathroom The English Beat
Young, Fast Iranians The F.U.'s
Promised Land The F.U.'s
Warlords The F.U.'s
American Band The F.U.'s
My America The F.U.'s
T.N.H. The F.U.'s
Daisy Chain The F.U.'s
Rock The Nation The F.U.'s
Choir Boy The F.U.'s
What You Pay For The F.U.'s
Outcast The F.U.'s
Beast In My Bed The F.U.'s
Pennies From Heaven The F.U.'s
Die For God The F.U.'s
Poor, Poor, Pitiful You The F.U.'s
Ode To Larry Joe The F.U.'s
The Grinder The F.U.'s
Walking Tall The F.U.'s
Lick My Shiny Boots The F.U.'s
This Is Your Life The F.U.'s
T Sux The F.U.'s
The Beast Within The F.U.'s
Peer Police The F.U.'s
Do We Really Want To Hurt You? The F.U.'s
Civil Defense The F.U.'s
Boston's Finest The F.U.'s
Rock And Roll Mutha The F.U.'s
Shitheads The F.U.'s
My Generation The F.U.'s
Killer The F.U.'s
F.U. The F.U.'s
Unite Or Lose The F.U.'s
Rifle The F.U.'s
Do Right Woman The Flying Burrito Brothers
Hot Burrito # 1 The Flying Burrito Brothers
King Of Pain The Police
Hole In My Life The Police
Be My Girl-Sally The Police
Voices Inside My Head The Police
Next To You The Police
Driven To Tears The Police
Invisible Sun The Police
When The World Is Running Down, You Make The Best Of What's Still Around The Police
Miss Gradenko The Police
Before They Make Me The Rolling Stones
If You Can't Rock Me The Rolling Stones
Ruby Tuesday The Rolling Stones
Midnight Rambler The Rolling Stones
Shattered The Rolling Stones
Loving Cup The Rolling Stones
Dead Flowers The Rolling Stones
Shake Your Hips The Rolling Stones
Who's Been Sleeping Here? The Rolling Stones
Girl Afraid The Smiths
London The Smiths
Unlovable The Smiths
You Just Haven't Earned It Yet, Baby The Smiths
This Night Has Opened My Eyes The Smiths
Stretch Out And Wait The Smiths
Hand In Glove The Smiths
Panic The Smiths
Sweet And Tender Hooligan The Smiths
Asleep The Smiths
Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want The Smiths
These Things Take Time The Smiths
Shoplifters Of The World Unite The Smiths
Is It Really So Strange? The Smiths
Back To The Old House The Smiths
Sheila Take A Bow The Smiths
Ask The Smiths
Oscillate Wildly The Smiths
Golden Lights The Smiths
Shakespeare's Sister The Smiths
Half A Person The Smiths
Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now The Smiths
Rubber Ring The Smiths
William, It Was Really Nothing The Smiths
You've Got Everything Now The Smiths
Monkey Man The Specials
Do Nothing The Specials
Search And Destroy The Stooges
Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell The Stooges
Death Trip The Stooges
Behind Blue Eyes [Live] The Who
A Quick One While He's Away The Who
Slip Kid The Who
Without A Sound Torche
Speed of the Nail Torche
Across the Shields Torche
Grenades Torche
Amnesian Torche
Healer Torche
Meanderthal Torche
Fat Waves Torche
Little Champion Torche
Triumph of Venus Torche
Sandstorm Torche
Sundown Torche
Safe Torche
Plunger Umphrey's McGee
Mean Street Van Halen
Dance The Night Away Van Halen
Little Guitars (Intro) Van Halen
Pegasus Vast Aire
Taboo Vast Aire
Zenith Ft. Blueprint Vast Aire
Black Sunday Vast Aire
Raise the Dead Venom
Black Market Weather Report
Directions [Take 1] Weather Report
Black-Throated Wind Weir, Bob
Grindhouse (A Go-Go) White Zombie
Wilco the Song Wilco
One True Vine Wilco
Bull Black Nova Wilco
One Blood Under W (Featuring Junior Reid) Wu-Tang Clan
Shame On A Nigga Wu-Tang Clan
Let My Niggas Live (Featuring Nas) Wu-Tang Clan
Da Mystery Of Chessboxin' Wu-Tang Clan
South Side Of The Sky Yes
Powderfinger Young, Neil
Heart Of Gold Young, Neil
Are You Ready For The Country? Young, Neil
Birds Young, Neil
The Needle And The Damage Done Young, Neil

Distant Lights

Fuck it's hot out, but I think the nature of the trip and the constant moving is making it okay. It's 100 degrees or something here in Salina, KS with "extreme winds". With the windchill factor it makes it feel like it's 99 degrees. I got here late last night after driving half a day, taking in a Royals baseball game in Kansas City and then hitting the road for another couple of hours. Speed limit is 70 mph and late at night in Kansas there are very few cars on the road. So it was easy to hit 80 at times. The sky is huge here, and late at night it's amazing how clear it is. I tried to take pictures of it but then realized taking pictures of things/moments like that don't count.

I haven't had the energy to write much. When I get to the rooms at night I am usually falling asleep within an hour. I've driven about 1700 miles, or a little more than halfway there. I switched the route up a little bit and am going a more north route today. Pictures should be awesome. Also of note I will be hitting a state I have never been to which I think will be the 40th state I've been to. I have improvised the vast majority of this trip. The only time I turned my GPS on was when I needed to find my hotel in Cleveland which was in downtown.

Speaking of Cleveland, I hit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame which was pretty cool. Some awe-inspiring shit there like Jerry's 1990 Doug Irwin guitar "Rosebud" as well as a few others. None of the ones from the 60's or 70's obviously. There was a Springsteen exhibit happening which was amazing. Saw the guitar he has strapped on from the Born to Run cover, tons of original lyric notebooks. Staring at the original hand written lyrics to like "For You" from Greetings, or Atlantic City...was awesome. They don't allow you to take pictures there which is kind of lame, and it seemed smaller for such a huge building. Then again I'm one of those people that will stop and look at something and be like "okay I saw it, let's go"

Have been growing tired of the accents of people out here. Their demeanor, everything is just enough to drive you crazy. People are friendly, but you also get a feeling they are thinking to themselves "this faggot better not try anything funny" about you. It was nice to not get a single comment about the Red Sox hat at the baseball game last night. Mainly because people know when to just shut up and mind their own business. That's one thing I won't miss about New England, people just need to tell you how they feel at every fucking minute. Unsolicited opinions on everything from jelly to the weather. It's tiring.  Other thing with this area of the country is every man looks exactly the same. Every woman that works in a convenient store/gas station, etc you get the feeling you could probably turn her out in five minutes. Wait what?

The next part of this trip is the more "pretty" shit, but I have to say I am ready to just get there and get settled. I am growing tired of driving. Thankfully I have a good friend making the trip more bearable with texts, a phone call helping with the decision to take this next route and a general demeanor, sense of humor and personality that rules.

I'll get around to pictures soon.
 

Looking for Steamers

Today was more like I remember these long road trips when you are the person driving...long and tedious. Not for the impatient. I almost started smoking again about eighty times but decided to eat or drink things instead. It really will wear you down. Especially being by yourself. Perhaps because of the small amount of sleep I got (about 4 hours), but I was already starting to feel the exhaustion coming on two or three hours in. I ended up stopping more than I like to normally stop but I had to keep getting different coffee based beverages. Next service area I would stop at to use the bathroom. I used to pride myself on going long hours in the car without having to stop to use the restroom. Today it was like I was my own girlfriend. I'm surprised I didn't start complaining that I was cold. I wanted to cover a little more ground than the brief journey the night before and kind of did, but not really as much as I'd like to. I did want to stop here though, so...not sure what the problem is here. I think I went 450 miles or so as opposed to the 200 late night miles last night. It's after midnight now; I can't imagine being up that late tonight. With a good nights rest and an actual breakfast tomorrow, and maybe a visit to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame it should be a better drive.

This morning I left at 9:45 AM, stopped in Cleveland (where I am now). I got here at 6:20, enough time to check into this hotel I booked on the phone earlier, change my clothes and walk to the baseball park in time for the National Anthem. It was a nice park. I always find myself wanting to roam around these parks, especially if I don't have anything emotionally invested in either team. It's easy to lose interest. Cleveland were winning by a pretty big margin by the time I left during the 7th inning.

This hotel I am in, it's in a very old building, like blood pouring out of the elevators and creepy twins lurking around the corners of the long hallways. I got here and while checking in and getting all my papers and shit in order I asked the guy what floor the room was on and he lets me know I have been upgraded to the top floor, to "a suite with a little living room area and a kitchenette". What I did to deserve this I have no idea. I know the price on the door on the legal document says the room is a $279 room. I paid waaay less than that. I enjoy being high up like this in hotels and being able to see lights and other buildings and cars on bridges far away going who knows where. This room though, absolutely huge and unnecessary for anyone, even someone who can afford it.

Again feel like there's more there, just spent right now. Shit written down on paper though for good measure.

Briefly

Got off to a way later start than I had planned (10:45 PM - was aiming for 8:00 PM, ouch!). The car is more full than I had planned on having it, but it feels good to have as much shit with me as I could grab. The first few miles the car was tough to handle. I could feel the weight in it. It felt like it was veering to one side, but realized it was just paranoia. One thing I did discover was Cruise Control. I never use Cruise Control and I think I may become a friend of it on this trip. Does Cruise Control need to be capitalized? Well, on this trip it obviously does.

I was under the impression that I needed to leave in the evening for this trip for an unknown reason. "Because I did it before" was the most often given reason . Five minutes into the drive I forgot that in the last few years I've grown to not like driving at night on the highway. Perhaps it's the area of the country I am but people are all up in your shit with bright headlights and tailgating you in the right lane (this happened tonight. Was doing 62 mph in the RIGHT LANE. Not a soul in the middle lane and this guy decides I am going too slow in 'THE FUCKING SLOW POKE LANE". A number of "right lane closed" experiences later and I finally stopped an all too short 200 miles at a place called "Amsterdam, New York". I am of course doing my best impression of a person in Amsterdam I can. I was going to attempt to see a Cleveland Indians game tomorrow night, but seeing as I am behind schedule time and miles wise I may not make it which would suck. Seven hours from where I am. Check out time is 11:00 AM. It's currently 4:45 AM. I think I can. Fuck sleep.

A good last few days spent with everyone I would want to spend time with and then some. I hugged so many people it felt like it did that time Jerry Garcia died.

Will have more to say when there are more things to say.

IHOPE

90% of the ideas I have on a daily basis, especially when involving food, are bad. I had some errands to run on the North Shore early this morning. I took a little drive after and took some photos of the ocean and that kind of thing. I hadn't eaten anything and as is the case anytime I am somewhere awake and it's between 7:00 AM and 11:59 AM, and I'm hungry I could eat breakfast. I realized I was hungry and this was the point where I should have driven home. I have ten eggs in the fridge right now, english muffins, bacon, sausage, milk and magazines to read. Everything one needs to eat. Another idea I threw around in my head was to go to Red's in downtown Salem. It's a small little diner type place famous for being a place that people talk about. Food is as good as food at those kinds of places can be but there's a good atmosphere and they have a great selection. Didn't feel like dealing with downtown Salem and parking and the possibility to running into someone I know and having to explain to them I'm moving and what I'm doing and then listen to what they're doing, etc. No thanks. At this point I pretty much have left Massachusetts, so.

So I don't incriminate myself I will change the name of this restaurant I did decide to visit to...International House of Poor Ethiopians, or IHOPE. I went in this same exact restaurant a few months earlier when I was in the area for errands. I recognized a few of the waitresses and the similar clientele from the last time I was there. Lots of disgusting people presumably from Lynn? Check. Lesbian woman that looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman? Check.

I text my friend Aarne “Do you think I am going to regret this IHOP meal?” he replies “Not at all buddy!”
So I get the coffee that comes in that vessel allowing you to have three or so cups. I text Aarne again “Coffee tastes like it was brewed and burned three months ago” he replies “that’s part of the charm! no more boysenberry either!” I remember this. IHOPE does not have Boysenberry syrup anymore. Syrup made from a berry nobody has ever heard of. People who have been studying berries for thousands of years, reading ancient texts about berries found by long lost generations and there has never been something called a boysenberry. Somehow spellcheck thinks boysenberries are real. I wonder how Google feels? I can’t be bothered really.
The food comes. I ordered the eggs “over medium” which in reality means the yolk won’t be runny but not hard and dry either. The eggs are completely runny, like cooked less than over easy. The hash browns are okay, sauasage: ice cold. MMMMMM. Then I eat some more potatoes and realize there is something in my mouth that isn’t potato. I pull out what looks like a pubic hair. Aarne and I have been texting back and forth and he wants me to steal the boysenberry syrup for him. I don’t have a jacket or bag with me and as much as I’d love to stick something down my pants and steal it from this shit hole an object filled with syrup is on the short list o things I will not stick down my pants. Plus, I have bigger plans in my head. He reminds me that the only time one should be eating at a place like this is between 1:00 AM and 4:00 AM. This is exactly true.

I decide I am going to leave three dollars on the table for the tip; when the hostess and the manager leave the front counter I will leave the restaurant with this bill for $13 in my pocket. My car is a dangerous 50 or so yards out and the walk will be a clear view of the front counter. I have never done this in my life. There are also a couple of policemen on another side in view of the restaurant directing traffic. As soon as I see the hostess and manager woman in the seating area I rise and walk determined to the front. Get nervous for a second and consider just heading into the bathroom and coming out and paying when one of them returns but no I take a little glance behind me and see I am free. I get outside and start walking calmly towards my car, then start jogging towards it, fumbled with the keys like women in movies getting chased and then hop in and poof, I’m gone. Fuck you. Shit what a rush of adrenaline. And the whole thing premeditated! Like I couldn’t have been more guilty of something than if I walked up to a group of cops and shot one of them point blank in the face wearing an “I hate cops and am about to kill one” t-shirt with a picture of my face on it and then having this writing on my computer and now on the internet.

I am now escaped and free, but am paying the price. I go to the shopping mall to check out some shit and “lay low” for a while which is what they do in movies after committing a crime. Then I remember you’re also not supposed to buy anything lavish like fur coats, expensive watches, etc. Then I also remember I didn’t rob a bank and am not in a mob movie. I walk by a mall cop and believe he is “on to me” so I break another direction and lose his ass in a women’s clothing store that I can’t find the name of. I leave the mall and a state police car speeds past me with it’s lights flashing. Keeps going. I AM IN THE FUCKING CLEAR!.

Now a normal person probably would have just said something to the waitress or manager and sent the food back but really, if you believe sending your food back is your best option you are horribly wrong. There is no possible way something isn’t going to be done to your food especially at a low quality place like this where the combined salary of the whole workforce there is probably $100,000/yr. And besides, I hate complaining about shit. Aside from right here.

So my score on a scale of 1-10 of IHOPE: 1

"But I've seen your double dares everything extraordinaire I know the things you do are gonna come back"

Eight days, nine days, I can’t really remember and it doesn’t matter anyway. This recent trip had something to do with a recent relationship. Per usual online and in real life I’ll never talk about my relationships good or bad, and if I do you can assume I am lying. You should probably do that with a number of things I say. I think.

We set out on this trip last Tuesday, at the worst time to set out on a trip, late afternoon. I should have seen this is a sign this trip would make me feel like Marlow in Heart of Darkness. It was hot and rainy and we were filling a U-Haul with all of her belongings. I was responsible for what would seem like difficult tasks like pulling a washing machine and dryer up stairs through a spider web and God-knows-what infested bulkhead out of the basement up into this U-Haul truck. I had this horrible pain in my upper back for a few days before this and all of this moving actually made the pain go away. I was slightly disappointed in this as I’ve kind of grown to live with being in pain every day of my life, at least when it comes to my back. My arms and shoulders felt nice and worked from all of this lifting as well. I decided once all of this is over with and I am settled somewhere I will start lifting weights again, especially now that I have quit smoking. I immediately was reminded of how great it feels to have arms that feel like rubber from lifting heavy objects.

We would be driving from here in Massachusetts to Oklahoma City, which is in the state of Oklahoma. We would also have her two cats with us which is a whole other world of shit if you’ve ever driven with a cat in a car you know it’s probably the second worst thing to have in your car while driving long distances. The first would be another person. Driving with another person on long distances is definitely a test. A test I know I will always fail at. Like a test I didn’t even take a class for let alone study for. I think the only people you (well, me) could travel long distances with in a car is a prostitute that doesn’t charge you money and one that doesn’t have any diseases. Like a prostitute on her (or his) first day of work ever. I could travel with this person. The other person I could travel I a long distance with in a car would be a person who just died and their body is stowed away somewhere and you are basically just transporting the body. I hate having to stop when I don’t need to stop, and thankfully she isn’t one of those people that need to go to the bathroom if a drop of water is ten feet from her. You ever meet one of these people? Every time they take a sip of a drink they have to visit a restroom immediately after. I couldn’t travel with one of these. I like to push myself and try to do things like drive seven hours without stopping. I drove the first night. Of course it was raining, hot and we had cats making all sorts of noise in the car. Traffic in Massachusetts was for the most part and hot miserable rain soaked. This type of traffic is the worst kind of traffic. At one point a person pulled next to me yelling and pointing at the car we were towing. Oh yeah, we would also be towing a car on the back of this U-Haul truck. I have never been able to back up anything with a trailer. From time to time one of those know-it-all types will say something snide like “Well all you have to do is turn the wheel one way and the tires go this way, turn it the other way and they go that way” This couldn’t be further from the truth. You’re looking through these giant oddly shaped mirrors so everything is backwards. There is noise and sun in your face and the whole thing is a horrible experience. This situation would rear its ugly head the next morning. Back to this guy yelling at me to pull over: I pull over and can’t figure out what is wrong with the car we are towing. A few miles later another guy pulls up, this time I can actually hear him. Not sure if you know this but when you are going any speed over say….20 miles an hour and yell to someone at a car next to you they can’t hear you like in the movies. Now that I think of it I can’t think of one movie where this has happened. I hear “your ramps are down”. Turns out we were dragging a ramp. This was fixed. Six or seven hours later we arrived in Syracuse, NY. I would not drive this truck again until a day after we arrived in Oklahoma City because I apparently “follow people too close” to which I let her know “well, you drive too close to shit on the right”

I don’t have a laptop anymore so writing for this trip would have to be by hand, which at this point is not fun. I learned to enjoy it once I was on the train coming back. Here is what I wrote night one:

“Depressing motel, area of country and situation I am in right now. But with all things negative a positive always comes along and fixes that straight away. This kind of travelling where I am not relaxed isn’t really my idea of fun but, eh… The fun comes later. When I think of back home, and when I say back home I don’t mean ‘back home in Massachusetts’ I mean where I have spent ‘time’ the last few months and felt happiest, like myself. It’s nice to have people in my life that don’t owe me anything that I can feel completely comfortable around. I actually feel like myself. This feeling crossed with that mysterious feeling of the unknown and distance is an oddly satisfying feeling I’ve been spending time with for the last few months. I like this feeling much better than the uncomfortable feelings I sometimes feel in reality. I keep thinking I want to write a letter but then realize just living and being is good for right now. I have too much in my head to think about anything else, especially if I am happy the way it is now”

Driving through upstate New York, I have done it so much in all parts of it…well, all parts off of Route 90, which isn’t much. I like it up there. Some of it, when you start moving more west anyway, feels like it is five years ago, or even twenty years ago. There is this lonely and sad feeling of claustrophobia and emptiness that appears late at night there driving past orange lit parking lots for hours at a time. I love it and hate it up there at the same time.

From upstate New York to Oklahoma City, the trip was pretty uneventful, long stretches of road where neither of us talked for hours, I dozed off for a good chunk of the time. Other times we had the radio tuned to talk radio and everything there is right wing and/or religious. I don’t really follow politics or care much about any of the issues they talk about, but really listening to some of these people I have to imagine any sane person with even a little bit of education that I know in real life would agree with me that literally every single thing some of these people were talking about was complete crap. One show we listened to in Missouri (the state where I thought [for the second time now] that I was about to be raped at any minute by some cackling redneck) had a show talking about how bad video games were. The woman prefaced the story with “Video games, like other horrible things like abortion, pornography and homosexuality…” The people calling in were worse. I briefly thought of calling in but realized even trying reason with folks down there is probably not even fun. Dennis Miller has a show, where he complained about Barack Obama and so did his callers. My idea of politics especially after this recent election is its just listening to people complaining and arguing about how they think things should be done. I’m not sure I can think of something worse than this. Conversations about the weather may be a close second. I didn’t really let listening to these fools ruin anything for me; there are people out there who think their opinions matter, what can I do about that? Yeah, ignore them.
I won’t bore you with the details of the rest of part 1 of this trip as it’s also something I don’t feel like reflecting on right now especially that momentum has already started moving forward.

"I trust no emotion
I believe in locomotion
But I've turned to rust as we've discussed"

I caught a train out of Oklahoma City early Tuesday morning for a brief four hour journey south to Ft Worth, Texas. The night before I left, I slept about two and a half hours. Monday night. The next time I would go to sleep would be Thursday night/Friday Morning around 3:30 AM.

The double-decker train was an empty train, a pleasure compared to the rest of the trip which was back to back full trains. Arriving in Ft Worth it was hot as piss outside and although as the case with most train stations it was a shady area of town, I only got approached by one guy asking for change to “buy an ice cream”. I hate having tons of change in my pockets especially if I am going to be sitting for long periods of time I handed him a handful of dimes and pennies and he made his way into the train station and did indeed come out a few minutes earlier with an ice cream. Who doesn’t love an honest beggar? I would also meet an honest beggar in Chicago who asked for money for “The Jack Daniels Foundation”, I of course gave him a crisp dollar bill. I did quite a bit of writing on the trains, and since I didn’t really have a full night of sleep over three days some of it made no sense. Here is some of it:

“6. If enemies are not close. You will automatic win any battle. For I will move far from.”

“When I reach California I will burn this book finally. Words in here from 1992. Some guy in 1992 wrote about long forgotten women. Such messy writing that I purposely used so no one could read it if they found. Who knows who all of these spirits are in here, I can’t imagine I will ever need to refer back to this to improve anything in my life. I will throw this book in a barrel. Like in Repo Man when they have the ‘Plate-o-shrimp’ conversation. You know, like dudes under bridges in Los Angeles burning shit in barrels. Having a couple of beers”

“Feel like I will start seeing things any minute now. I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep in whateveramountofdays now. I feel like ripping this map in front of me into a trillion little pieces. I stare at it and the schedule for hours. Not minutes, hours. This is all you can do here sit and wait sit and wait sit and wait. People are off sleeping, sweating and smelling up that car back there. This thick warm bad breathy hospital silence lit by a thin strip of lights on the ceiling as you sway to the back of each car trying not to bump heads and legs spilling into the aisle. You get good at this acrobatic feat by the end of the trip. Even in the shape I am in, like if I tried to operate heavy machinery, it would not be pretty. I can’t believe that this trip take 24 fucking hours to get from Chicago to Boston. It sounds like some sort of trap the Gods of confusion set. Let’s make this guy think something is true that isn’t true. Wait, what? Some moments here I blink my eyes but they don’t re-open. I enjoy sitting in these cars writing even though I just saw stars while writing that last sentence. I saw an Amish woman at a pay phone at the Chicago train station”

The first half of this trip was pretty depressing for the most part. The second half I met a number of people that I spent a good amount of time with and finally as painfully tiring the trip was I felt like I was having a good time and was able to keep my mind in other places other than where it actually was. This first group of people I saw for a couple of days walking around and hanging together. A young man about 22, but maybe younger. Big tall, could be menacing, but a baby face. At least 6’ 4”. Also, had one leg and was on a crutch. There were two other girls, around the same age. One was a nerdy looking girl, glasses with a jeweled chain on them to hang from her neck whatever those are called I have no idea. Other girl seemed young and sheltered, kind of an unfortunate look that I won’t go into but let us say she kind of looked like this bass player from a Canadian rock band I won’t mention the name of. I kind of got the vibe that this girl was sort of a pain in the ass and these other kids did not like her. When I did meet the three of them, at the end of my trip to Chicago, or about four hours left in that journey they were mean to her. Right to her face. The young girl did not understand sarcasm and was getting ruined and not knowing it. I felt kind of bad and then remembered this is how young kids are, they judge and judge and pick on and pick on until they eventually settle in on some set of standards which is: Be a dick. Don’t be a dick. I picked the latter when it was my time. On the other hand, these other two, the nerdy white girl who did in fact know things about Star Trek and asked me “is that Gandalf?” regarding a tattoo on my arm seemed to have been around, and this kid with one leg. He was writing in some little notebook. At first when I saw him I said to myself “jeez, fucking trench coat mafia over here”. Same sort of reaction you have if you see like a Juggalo (or the more rare but better Jugallete!). You always say to yourself “Oh yup a juggallo…where’s the hatchet man thingy? Oh yup there it is on his thing there, does he have the…oh yeah there’s that thing too they all have.” And then you go on wondering what Insane Clown Posse even sound like and wondering why people hate ICP fans. There is clearly not one good reason to care about these people good or bad is there? This kid though, here I am judging him the second I see him, meanwhile I looked like an even bigger asshole on a number of occasions from age 10 to say age….39 so yeah. He was a nice kid, the nerdy girl was nice but I could see was a little too “oh my god I am in art school, check me out” for me. The annoying young girl would be on my next train from Chicago to Boston. She was going to Ohio somewhere with her mom. These people looked like they stepped off the set of Little House on the Prairie. The girl may have been annoying, but was 18 and probably never left the little town in Arizona she was from. She sat with me on the next train in the lounge car while a line of folks waited for food, coffee and drinks. She was very loud and told me a story of some young kid who ran his car into a metal fence at her school and blah blah blah eventually winding her way to September 11th somehow telling me in an un-ironic way “now that is a day I will NEVER forget”. I replied, “well yeah, you’re not supposed to forget that day”. She mentioned they had it on the television at her school when it happened and I told her we had a similar situation when I was in high school when the space shuttle with Christa McAuliffe blew up. She said “was that Apollo 13?”. I said “I’m not that old, jeez”. The whole time the line of people can hear every word of this painful conversation until finally she leaves and people stop looking at me and having eye-rolling contests with me. I never saw her again.

I met some interesting artists and musicians later in the evening, a tall pretty girl from Portland, Oregon originally from New Hampshire. We both thought we looked familiar but I think she was much younger which leads me to believe we probably do not know each other at all. I talked with her and these two artists from the Oakland area, one also played guitar and trombone with Citizen Fish. Very cool down to earth people I enjoyed shooting the shit with for a few hours.

The last day of the trip my head and body were gone. I spent the better part of the day dozing off for a few seconds here and a few seconds there. I probably looked like I was on drugs. The last time I felt semi-normal on this part of this journey was for my long layover in Chicago where I left the station, went to the Sears Tower, shot up the elevator but the lines were too long for the deck so I just went back to the lobby and had steak and some sangria before heading back to a Starbucks to charge my phones and then back to the station to wait. It was nice not moving back and forth on a train. Had a couple of good phone calls and then back to hell.

The evening is when I met these folks above. The next day, the last day where I never even attempted to go to sleep until I eventually reached the critical/best point of being exhausted the “now I’m completely wired and don’t even know what it feels like to be tired”. From around noon on the last day until we arrived in Boston around 10:30 PM I was wired. I spent about three or four hours with this African-American woman maybe in her early 50’s. She was a writer and also a minister . We talked about life for a long time and it was great. She was an intense person and we connected on all sorts of subjects. One of those people you meet along the way that gives off a cool vibe. She has a book available online that I am going to check out. One thing I enjoy about taking these trains is you are trapped on this thing with these people and you are kind of forced to talked to them for hours at a time as long as they are willing to do the same. Most of the time it turns out to be a great conversation. As I was saying to the woman “everyone’s story is interesting on some level. If they have the gift to tell a story then that story is even better”
I spent the remainder of the day with a guy named Dennis. He was from Milwaukee and was heading to Dorchester to see his mother who was sick. Dennis, turning 50 drives a tractor trailer, and has been with the same woman for I think he said twenty-six years. He kind of looked like Snoop Dogg, which I’m sure he would take as an insult as he told me he didn’t like rap music. He had some great stories of driving trucks in different parts of the country. We both mentioned different parts of the country we enjoyed seeing. He clearly has more miles on me and more states but I feel like I have enough experience to talk about a number of places in the US anyway. One thing I really like with sitting with some of these strangers for hours is how much you can learn about people if they are willing to tell stories and are as bored as you are with just sleeping in your seat all day. So hanging with him until the last few minutes of the journey was great as we were still swapping stories about areas of Massachusetts. Good times indeed. There were a number of other people I spent some time with but most of them weren’t as interesting or were kind of messed up.
Best part of this trip was probably the last couple of days. It was a long mentally and physically exhausting trip that I still haven’t fully absorbed. If anything it was an exercise in patience and a preview of the lengths of road I have to travel myself in August. I forgot how long some of these drives get. A three hour chunk of driving through nowhere has the feel of a five hour chunk of driving. The August trip has an ultimately happier ending for the most part, and I will have a laptop by then for documenting that trip as I go with hopefully less stream of conscious than this, which I am not even going to proofread. Here it is.

pics from the trip are here