Last Week

So far enjoying this new job and routine I have going right now. As soon as I figure out which gym to join and figure out that schedule everything will feel a little better. Three weeks into it and they bumped me up to full time from part time before the three month trial period so I must be doing something right. I know one thing, when it comes to this kind of thing I will just do it. Anyway, it’s where I go to do boring stuff that people give me money to do, no reason to really talk about it beyond that really.

Making it through every day feeling completely different than I did say two months ago. I feel like the last three years were kind of a blur for me. So much packed into a relatively small time period. Moving, deaths, relationships and now feeling a little bit stable (this cunt of a woman yesterday. I went in to get some coffee and sit there and write and this woman was sitting with the back of her chair against the front of another chair. I ask if she can move a little and she grumbles a little bit and then says I can’t sit there because “I can’t have you looking at my laptop”. I say “I’m not going to look at your laptop”. She grumbles a little more and I then add “I’m not going to look at your fucking laptop lady”. Some woman at a nearby table who bears a slight resemblance to Julia Childs says “I am leaving sir, you can have my table” and then gives me a smile like “can you believe that woman?” I sat there kind of pissed for a while thinking about this woman, a girl came and sat in the same seat a little while later and she didn’t say a thing. I imagined how liberating and intense it would have been to just go over and punch this woman in the face as hard as possible. Like a 120 pound woman in her 50’s getting punched in the face by me and then just taking her laptop and beating her face in with it until she just looks like a smashed piece of steak. I can’t stand entitled cunts like that and I hope she has a bunch of shitty things happen to her. She had a wedding ring on which means some weak ass dude probably has to listen to her ugly 57 year old face whine and complain about shit. Oof.). Most days just coming home and reading, going out to the coffee shop for a few and then in bed by 1:00. I’ve managed to leave at the exact same time every morning.

Near the end of winter I am going to fly out west and get all of my shit I left there and drive it back here. Work is okay with this plan. I can do the drive in six days, so around two weekends I could have nine days off to do it all. I don’t really have any desire to stay there more than a day at this point. Fly there on a Friday night hopefully, leave Sunday morning or whatever. I want to do it in the winter because it will be nice driving that time in the west, and then it could be a challenge in the midwest/Northeast. I was trying to get someone to come with me, but at the end of the day, that’s probably a bad idea. I honestly can’t think of a single person I would want to spend more than say six hours at a time with right now.

I can’t make eye contact with pictures anymore. There are a number of them I accidentally see because they are there in front of me. Memories of awesome and sunshine and a life I thought I knew more about. I truly suck at not being alone. I truly suck at quite a few things. I wallow in them from time to time but what’s the point. This newer thing feels pretty okay.