Years

This should be the last entry in this blog but it won’t be. I almost have the new one ready to go. For the most part, this year sucked. I reluctantly came back here and ended up staying, Three people I know died and the girl I signed letters to with “I love you” at the end is gone. I got a job and got to spend more time with my friends so so there’s that but I wish the shitty things didn’t happen. Anyway, hopefully 2011 will be better.


I’m beginning to think people have the wrong idea about me. I spend a good amount of time making fun of people and things and music and whatnot, but at the end of the day, none of this stuff really bothers me at all. I tend to not think about it more than for a passing minute or so, to make some sort of joke. The people one is the big one. Most people I know seem to have daily issues with people and stupid people and whatever else burns their ass that day. At one point I told myself unless someone was directly harming me, I don’t care what they do. I don’t care how stupid they are or anything. I can’t imagine ever even being like that..letting people get to me. Once you do that, then they all win. Get to a point where you don’t care what people are like and don’t care what anyone thinks about you and you can say anything you want and at the end of the day have way less stress in life. As Robert Hunter said "ain't no time to hate". I guess Massachusetts is rubbing off on me.

North Dakota

The hopeless gray and white and ice cold chill everywhere grabs you usually around January. I don’t live near the ocean anymore so I don’t get to see it as much. You end up feeling even colder there. Icy fingers of bare trees reaching down and grabbing all the energy out of you. This year though, I don’t think I’ll have that. I already gave up on thinking I’d have some sort of good holiday or whatever, but as usual no gifts bought and I’m “just not feelin’ it”. It’s worse when everyone around you is full on in the mode.   Regardless though, I’ve been to the shopping malls and stores more than ever this season. I think since I recently started having money on me.

Weekends come and go now, a brief break in the routine
You can sit home and dwell on history
You can go out and dwell on history
You can sit it out completely and move ahead
I can never do this completely
A trillion different people buried deep inside your brain
No faces on any of them
Every girl you ever want to fuck
Every girl you fucked
They are out getting fucked tonight
Every empty experience you can possibly have
Every empty experience can bring you a smile for five minutes
Drives home
Saxophones and invisible cigarettes for days
Conversations that have nothing in common with you
“More and more nowadays I feel further away,
I feel misunderstood”
It’s not like anyone is listening
All they do is talk and talk
Every last one of them worried about other people
I spend less time thinking about people now
A cliche long forgotten
I’d rather the dwelling at home
Warm books and saxophones
Invisible cigarettes and white chicks
All of them are ghosts to me now

gazebo

Upon arriving here every evening I am out of things to say. Around people all day making jokes and talking and then I run out of things to say by the time the sun has been long asleep. I feel like this year and last year were these hopeful great years. I remember getting all excited to leave here and start something/somewhere new. Leave this town and that girl for another town and another girl. Eventually I’ll learn my lesson. Nobody is really worth moving anywhere for. Nobody can convince me I am wrong all the time. I do that myself quite enough. I can only be made to feel guilty and like shit before I am pushed into angry guy mode. I’m not an angry person, but you know.

Love Songs

“These Foolish Things”

Trying to maintain every day now is hard enough, but doing it seemingly alone is even harder. I miss having an end of the day ear to talk to. I miss a lot of things, regardless of how things happen or why, I feel like I’ve been had over and over. I try and convince myself I must have made some sort of mistake somewhere along the line, but I can’t find any proof.

“I Gotta Right To Sing the Blues”
She made fun of the way I ate soup, and how I had dirt under my fingernails. I should have taken this as a clue to run away. I think she resented me for some odd reason all those years. I think she thought I thought I was better because I was older. I would have crossed the Atlantic Ocean on a hockey stick for her, she knew this, but it was evidently not enough.

“I Fall in Love too Easily”
Lying on the ground a complete fucking mess. The ground is spinning far too fast for me to feel insecure and embarrassed. I want to fuck someone tonight. I wanted to fuck. Well, I wanted to go home with a bigger ego. All I got was this lousy headache.

“Just One of Those Things”
I remember she cried while we fucked in my car one night.

“I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm”
We smoked a little bit of marijuana and talked about your parents. Why did we always have to talk about your mother? It was always about your mother. John Lennon warned of old Flattop, and it shut you up for at least 45 minutes. I could always keep you quiet with good music. The more stories you told, or complaints about your mother, the longer the record. “Shit, her mother yelled at her about her job, I better break out the White Album instead of Sgt Peppers.”

“I Loves You Porgy”
I’m a pushover, even though I think I’m not. Go ahead, punch me in the face, and now ask me to make you a mesquite grilled chicken sandwich with mango salsa, on a multigrain bulkie roll, and some red bliss fried potatoes on the side. Go ahead, ask me to take out the garbage, and to scrub under my fingers before I eat.

“They Can’t Take That Away from Me”
Even though my head is pounding a million miles an hour AGAIN tonight, I drink this glass of wine, and I think of inside jokes that have already been created. I think of the wonderful way the wind blows in the car at night in the summertime. My fondest memories are driving back from the Heroin capitol of the Northeast with the radio blaring the Descendents, and watching her pleated skirt billow as she slept with a smirk on her face. I should have thrown her out of the car that night.

“The Nearness of You”
I would go visit her after work. Nobody at work knew about us. She was a disgusting person and I didn’t like anything about her personality or voice. I told her if anyone at work ever found out I would deny it to the end of time.

“I’m Just a Lucky So and So”
Fate always works in my favor. Some of us don’t believe in fate. I think you do control it, yeah you’re right. I like to think of some romantic notion that the one I will spend a lot of time with will be one I “accidentally” stumble upon. The one I run into that I met briefly in passing, but never knew. She’ll arrive at my doorstep with a list of demands, and I’ll search her for drugs and microphones before she can come in.

“They All Laughed”
Taking advice from anyone about relationships or friendships is a big no no. I ask for it from time to time. I give it from time to time, at the end of the day though, every relationship I know of seems doomed. Deep down, looking into eyes people seem exhausted with each other whether they know it or not. Trying to live on and on with someone else to me is horrifying. I think after the last one I shouldn’t kid myself again and think I could ever make someone happy and vice versa.

“Let’s Fall in Love”
It was violent the way it happened. It was violence in my eyes that I never knew I had. I didn’t think I was capable of such actions, yet I made it happen. Long live the morally bankrupt.

“You Go to My Head”
I love that song Sleepwalk, that old instrumental by Sancho and Johnnie or something like that. That song will be the soundtrack of my next night out on the town. I will listen to that song over and over and over and over and still not tire of it. Everyone knows that song, they just don’t know what it’s called I bet. I slow danced with a short girl with dark hair I was in love with at the time to that song. It was hot, and I think we fell asleep like that.

“It Ain’t Necessarily So”
I drove so fast that night. I was a bit scared. I was overwhelmed, confused, and wondered how much bigger the puzzle could get. I was to arrive at the fireworks display early. We weren’t dressed for dinner, yet I made a joke that it was like a scene out of the Great Gatsby. We were in New Jersey for a weekend, yet I was in Hawaii. We talked of weddings and comedians, I thought about how amazing it was that someone could take over my head and make me forget you were there.

“My Funny Valentine”
The first thing I remember is getting a little sick. The next thing I remember is not wanting to ever try it again. I wasn’t “trying it” though. I think he was making me try it. How could you do these things? How can one still look in the mirror every morning, while I write stupid songs about girls in their twenties who won’t love me for whatever reason.

“You Stepped Out of a Dream”
For months I dreamt of her. Good times and bad, high above bright blue oceans I wouldn’t dare step foot in. Now I can’t sleep at night because of her.

“You Don’t Know What Love Is”
The present is the only thing I remember right now. This is good. Presently, it goes like this: Wake up and smile, go to work and relax, come home and laugh my ass off. Fuck the world, twice, I say.

I have way too much anger happening. Fuck (?)

Last Week

So far enjoying this new job and routine I have going right now. As soon as I figure out which gym to join and figure out that schedule everything will feel a little better. Three weeks into it and they bumped me up to full time from part time before the three month trial period so I must be doing something right. I know one thing, when it comes to this kind of thing I will just do it. Anyway, it’s where I go to do boring stuff that people give me money to do, no reason to really talk about it beyond that really.

Making it through every day feeling completely different than I did say two months ago. I feel like the last three years were kind of a blur for me. So much packed into a relatively small time period. Moving, deaths, relationships and now feeling a little bit stable (this cunt of a woman yesterday. I went in to get some coffee and sit there and write and this woman was sitting with the back of her chair against the front of another chair. I ask if she can move a little and she grumbles a little bit and then says I can’t sit there because “I can’t have you looking at my laptop”. I say “I’m not going to look at your laptop”. She grumbles a little more and I then add “I’m not going to look at your fucking laptop lady”. Some woman at a nearby table who bears a slight resemblance to Julia Childs says “I am leaving sir, you can have my table” and then gives me a smile like “can you believe that woman?” I sat there kind of pissed for a while thinking about this woman, a girl came and sat in the same seat a little while later and she didn’t say a thing. I imagined how liberating and intense it would have been to just go over and punch this woman in the face as hard as possible. Like a 120 pound woman in her 50’s getting punched in the face by me and then just taking her laptop and beating her face in with it until she just looks like a smashed piece of steak. I can’t stand entitled cunts like that and I hope she has a bunch of shitty things happen to her. She had a wedding ring on which means some weak ass dude probably has to listen to her ugly 57 year old face whine and complain about shit. Oof.). Most days just coming home and reading, going out to the coffee shop for a few and then in bed by 1:00. I’ve managed to leave at the exact same time every morning.

Near the end of winter I am going to fly out west and get all of my shit I left there and drive it back here. Work is okay with this plan. I can do the drive in six days, so around two weekends I could have nine days off to do it all. I don’t really have any desire to stay there more than a day at this point. Fly there on a Friday night hopefully, leave Sunday morning or whatever. I want to do it in the winter because it will be nice driving that time in the west, and then it could be a challenge in the midwest/Northeast. I was trying to get someone to come with me, but at the end of the day, that’s probably a bad idea. I honestly can’t think of a single person I would want to spend more than say six hours at a time with right now.

I can’t make eye contact with pictures anymore. There are a number of them I accidentally see because they are there in front of me. Memories of awesome and sunshine and a life I thought I knew more about. I truly suck at not being alone. I truly suck at quite a few things. I wallow in them from time to time but what’s the point. This newer thing feels pretty okay.