Most Things Haven't Worked Out

a) I think she was crazy. I know her mom was crazy, and her ex-husband was crazy, and I was crazy, but all of us were like this in a good way.

b) At Lynch Park we sat and drank wine coolers, and I think you threw up. At that age, it was easy to throw up. If you throw up from wine coolers nowadays, you’re considered a pussy.

c) Ted fucked Vicki about 25 minutes after their shift ended at the video store; on the way back to her car he mentioned that he thought the most efficient way to get things done is if they are MILITANT with making people drop the videos in the box, rather than leaving them on the counter. When Vicki got in the house she drank half a bottle of Robutussin and fell asleep in her blue company shirt.

d) At one point on the train ride, I think it was in Nebraska, I came out of the bathroom and there was a woman waiting, the window between the cars was open, and it was dark. I smiled at her. Upon returning to my seat I imagined how intense it would have been if I had thrown her out of the window and returned to my seat to read another fucking tired Jack Kerouac novel with my stupid fucking goatee and cardigan.

e) On our way to the carnival, everyone in the car is a little drunk except for me, I’m trying to give Candace directions, and mix her drinks for her. We arrive at the carnival, and just as we are walking in, Tim looks at me and says “there’s that dude from McNeil’s house last week”

f) I ran out of things to say, so I started allowing people to walk all over me.

g) I may have stopped breathing that one time. Ambulance shows up and I keep picturing those gross piercing blue eyes she had. I hated them, these tiny little eyes of hers. I should have known what was up right off the bat.

h) Children, being eaten by a gigantic woman with no eyes.

i) Isaac Hayes + Billy Crystal + John Coltrane = Luke Perry

j) She ordered the wrong thing, so when the waitress came back, I told her that we would need the check, and if she could call my date a cab, she obviously didn’t read my rules.

k)I had such a good idea or so I thought. I could type this true sentence every five minutes forever.

l)In the basement, I felt insecure and out of place. Every fucking basement. I have a long history of feeling insecure in basements. Make sure, no, MAKE FUCKING SURE, you never take me to your basement. I am vulnerable there. I will listen to everything you say, I will think every remark is a criticism of how I am seen. I’ve never had sexual relations with any person I’ve met in a basement. I’m like the guy who throws up from wine coolers nowadays, a fucking pussy. I’m a fucking pussy in the basement, go ahead, make fun of me.

m) My phone never fucking rings anymore, all of the fuckers who said they would call months ago, they never call. I don’t call, they don’t call, nobody gives a shit anymore. Soon we’ll have those conversations “hey, did you hear so and so got shot?”.

n) Annette Funicello walks into my fantasy and asks where the nearest Starbucks is. I tell her I loved her in “that one you did with the black guy and Don Rickles”

o) The one time I decided to start shaving my head myself was a week after my barber told me I shouldn’t go into the city because there were a lot of n***ers there. I think I read that piece of racist shit had a heart attack in the middle of a haircut once. Who do you tip when your barber dies in the middle of a haircut?

p) To pass the time we would argue about which was more important film or music. You would always win with your fucking film school knowledge, and my short term memory lapses coming on strong in the face of confrontation.

q) The night Steven Spielberg fucked my wife.

r) 1-800-ECSTASY

s) It seems that when I drink this red wine, I decide I don’t mind drinking after all. Don’t call me a hypocrite you fuck. If people didn’t change their opinions daily, and grow and learn different things daily how boring would we be? I like the wine right now, tomorrow I will say I think my friends are fucking losers because they looked at a glass of beer.

t) We got this woman fired one day. She was out of line, and out of hand, so we had her fired. I am a fucking pussy, but I looked her right in the eye and said to her, well I said some shit that you normally wouldn’t say. I fucking told her some shit.

u) Imagine not knowing all of the lyrics to every single Black Sabbath song by heart?

v) A man watched us fuck in the car. We saw him and you started freaking out. Plus, you were late and your dad would be waiting for you. I thought that your dad would probably be more upset at what I had called you while I was fucking you, as it’s impossible to have two fathers.

w) He sent them a card and told them he was sorry for what he did at the dinner party but “the next time that faggot wants to tell me Zack Wylde sucks I will do more than throw a fucking bottle of Michelob at him and his crippled fucking wife. See you guys at Easter - Tommy”

x) She did so much cocaine in one night that the next time I saw her I punched her in the nose so many fucking times she wouldn’t be able to snort anything for at least two weeks. I broke up with her a week later.

y) The unfortunate experience of having to tell your friends you are getting your wisdom teeth out.

z) People who actually enjoy things at this point